Giving what I am

Worthy of a blog post

2012-01-17T20:28:00.001-07:00

Not many posts....I know, I know. I blog in spurts. Then something happens that is really worthy of a blog post. Such a thing has occurred.

So many of you know that I have been making some pretty drastic changes as of late. Let me tell you the story.

So about 3 or 4 months ago my mother, who is also a nurse practitioner, said something that made a big impression on me. We had talked about my infertility so so many times. This conversation was not much different. She said, "maybe your blood sugar is causing the problem." really that was it. Just that one sentence. For days I replayed that sentence in my head. A few days later a dietician posted an article about pcos on a support group I am in charge of.

The metabolism miracle

It seemed to be right in line with what was already on my mind. Blood sugar. I committed. Surely it couldn't hurt to try.

I have lost 20 pounds in 3 months. That was a nice benefit but not the point. Blood sugar remember. So I went to the doctor recently. Blood drawn, same fertility tests done.

Results were fantastic. No meds. Normal blood sugar levels. Normal hormone levels. And amazingly, ovulation on my own for the first time in at least 8 years! You know how good of news this is!? It means that with more hard work I might be able to get rid of infertility! Like be normal! Weird!!

2 things I want to drive home to any of you working on this too. (1) when a thought nags, listen!! (2) commit, it may change everything.

It is changing everything for me. Getting pregnant with no meds is a miracle!! I hope it works!! Say a little prayer for me :0)

I admit it!

2011-12-22T06:44:00.001-07:00

I am freaking out a bit. Maybe I need some infertility friends words of encouragement and most of you read my blog. Any kind words are very encouraged. :0)

January 2012.....
Been waiting for it to come. Insurance begins. Trying for baby #3. I am freakin out.

I have a confession. It's intense. I am a infertility wuss. I have been married for almost 8 years. 6 to 7 of those years have been "my infertility years" in reality I get pregnant really easy. I mean, I get on clomid, I am pregnant. This has happened twice. The issue is staying pregnant. After I miscarry, I take a infertility wussy break for ummmm 2 or 3 years. 7 years infertility. 5 months
on clomid. 4 months being pregnant. The rest of the time = wussy break.

I am not as awesome as the rest of you infertile people, like my sister. Within a 2 or 3 year period my sister had 4 miscarriages, a few IUIs, and IVF , preeclampsia, csection at 30 weeks, and a 2 month NICU stay resulting in my adorable chubby cheeked niece. She is a fighter, I am a wuss. I curl up in a ball in the corner.

The time has come. Time for me to fight as hard as I can and not stop. It is scary. Loss is scary. That is all I have ever known. It feels like I keep touching the hot stove over and over even though I know it burns. Please pray for me, I need strength and have to find endurance like I never have before.

January 2012.....the time has come.

Print Away!

2011-12-02T12:53:00.001-07:00

Three for the price of one.Enjoy these awesome 8x10 FREE Christmas printables! Remember they are for personal use only please! and thank you!

(Download Here)

Merry Christmasing :o)

plan it! It's easier!

2011-11-28T10:12:00.001-07:00

Here we are back to normalish. Is it really ever normal on my blog? Not really. but here is a great attempt.

Metabolism Miracle Meal Plan:

Monday :ASIAN PORK (found here)
Tuesday: DOTTIE'S SAUSAGE, MUSHROOM AND CREAM CHEESE CHICKEN CASSEROLE (found here)
Wednesday: BAKED SALMON (found here)
Thursday: GEORGE STELLA'S EASY CHEESY CHILI CHICKEN (found here)

Friday: BACON CHEESEBURGER SKILLET (found here)

Saturday: TACO SKILLET (found here)
Sunday: GRILLED "SMOTHERED" CHICKEN (found here)

Normal people meal plan:

IT'S CROCK POT WEEK! Get those trusty crock pots out and let's make this easy!

All recipes found here http://crockpot365.blogspot.com/

Monday: Easy Crock pot Lasagna (found here)

Tuesday: Broccoli beef (found here)

Wednesday: Turkey cutlets in Mango Salsa (found here)

Thursday: Indian Chicken (found here)

Friday: cowboy stew (found here)

Saturday: Cajun Turkey roast (found here)

Sunday: Cranberry Pork Tenderloin (found here)

There you go! Making december easier for you :o)

A personal thanksgiving

2011-11-25T06:49:00.001-07:00

I have chosen to take much of my personal opinion and thoughts out of this blog. I hope that today you will understand if I take a few moments to work out my feelings in writing, in writing to you. Sometimes it really is the best medicine.

Thanksgiving. What does it really mean to me? This holiday has been a hard one for me.

I find myself feeling like I used to, reacting like I used to, and the pride seeps back in. Can I just say I hate that version of myself. But my heart aches. Not an excuse, just truth. My heart aches for me and my pain. Extremely selfish I am aware. The selfishness I hate in myself. I still mourn for the loss in me.

After the initial sadness, I turn into The Prodical Son's older brother. Angry and jealous of the embrace My Father has with my brother. "I have done all the work! Where is my party!" It is in this stage where I forget my blessings. I get hung up here, full of anger and resentment.

There is some lesson to learn right? Where is it? What am I missing? I really thought I moved on, lesson learned and all. But there is more! Really! It is infuriating to feel like the pain and trials never have an end.

Then sometimes I am lucky to have someone or something get through that hard shell of emotion.

This thanksgiving it was my husband, my beautiful, loving, honest, unwavering husband. He boldly,through my tears, reminded me that I have much to be thankful for. He told me that him and I were enough. No additions necessary. I was enough for him to feel blessed. Our love and our covenant to love for eternity is enough for him. Enough for him to let go of his pride and his losses to focus on us. It really was an extraordinarily honest and beautiful conversation.

I finally see how lucky I am. Lucky to be married to the best of men. One who lets me be absurd and listens while I rant, then comes to me with love and honesty and heals a little piece of the sadness and inadequacy. I am fortunate to be bound to him by covenant throughout eternity. To know that I will live with him forever, even beyond death. That children or not I am enough for him. That kind of love never dies.

This reminded me of the love my Heavely Father has for me, unwavering like my husbands. All encompassing. He even loves me when I blame him for being barren. He comes to me in these moments. He reminds me of his all encompassing love and tells me to wait just a little longer. He has so much in store for me. I am not ready yet. I know it and He knows it.

My personal relationship with Him is untied to any other. My faith in him is not contingent on my blessings. It doesn't work that way. Faith and then blessings. He is teaching me this now. That to truly be close to Him as my father I have to let go and trust. I am just so scared in the end I will have let go of control and no blessings will follow. I will be left with nothing. Empty hands and a broken heart. But just as our marriage is enough for my husband, my obedience and faith is enough for God. I have to let it be enough for me too.

Thank you for letting me share. For letting me share a piece of myself without judgement.

I really am thankful.

Healthy Thanksgiving

2011-11-22T11:41:00.001-07:00

I have had so much going on that honestly I didn't finish all the meals I planned for last week so I have a few to make this week! Don't you love it when that happens.

I thought it would be a nice week off but alas, Thanksgiving is here. I am in charge of cooking the turkey this year. Well, and the healthy sides to go with it. My mom is bringing all the starches...corn, potatoes, and rolls.

Here are some ideas for those of you who are dieting or staying away from carbs...

every year I cook a turkey whether we are hosting or not. I enjoy the "left overs" I cook my turkey in a slow cooking roasting pan. like this....

Buy here http://www.target.com/c/home-kitchen-dining-kitchen-appliances-roasters-slow-cookers/-/N-5xtrg

This keeps the turkey more moist in my humble opinion. I baste the turkey in a butter mixture every 30 minutes. Here is what I use...

1 stick of butter

fresh rosemary

fresh thyme

fresh basil

fresh oregano

I soften the butter in the microwave and then I use kitchen shears and cut the spices into the mixture. I have to remake this mixture a few times. If you are really fancy you can glaze the turkey the last hour with a cranberry glaze :o)

because I baste so often, my turkey doesn't have a really crispy skin on it. Don't let this scare you. It means it has stayed moist. Make sure you cook your turkey for the amount of time it states. The turkey instructions will tell you. There are also many charts you can find online, like this one. In my opinion, NEVER inject your Thanksgiving turkey. I have never witnessed an injected turkey that was awesome. The bag sucks too. Slow roast it or fry it. I promise you will be much happier and have less of the possibility of a Griswold Christmas turkey situation.

Basting is your friend, do it well , do it often!

This year I think I am the most sad about missing the mashed potatoes because of my low carb diet (which I have lost 9 lbs on BTW) I found this awesome recipe on this website...

Creamy Cauliflower Puree

A perfect low carb alternative to mashed potatoes with a creamy buttery taste and less than one point. If you don't have buttermilk, low fat sour cream also works great.

Gina's Weight Watcher Recipes
Servings: 4 • Serving Size: 3/4 cup • Old Points: 1 pt • Points+: 2 pt
Calories: 60.7 • Fat: 2.4 g • Protein: 3.7 g • Carb: 8.6 g • Fiber: 4.2 g

Ingredients:
1 medium head cauliflower, cut up into florets
4 cloves crushed garlic
1/3 cup 1% buttermilk
salt and pepper to taste
1 tbsp light butter

Directions:
Steam or boil cauliflower and garlic until soft. Drain, add buttermilk, light butter, salt, pepper and purée with a hand blender. If you don't own a hand blender, you should consider getting one. It is one of my most used gadgets in my kitchen, you'll wonder how you ever lived without it. A regular blender would work fine as well

I am also making my own version of green beans. I am boiling fresh green beans and I am going to let them soak in a butter/bacon mixture. I may add onions as well. We will see how that turns out.

I am cooking asparagus topped with a Dijon vinaigrette too :o) Recipe found in "The Metabolism Miracle Cookbook"

And to finish it off, crust less pumpkin pie! found in "The Metabolism Miracle Cookbook"

I am actually really excited for this Thanksgiving! Totally doable without carbs! Who needs you stinking carbs!

Printable for thanks!

2011-11-18T09:40:00.001-07:00

Freebie Friday! Yipee! Woo Hoo! awesome!

Ok, so are you thankful? I am! I am thankful for my family, my friends, and my neighbors. I am thankful for my husband and his awesomness. I am thankful for the house I live in, the country I live in, and the town I grew up in and now get to enjoy as an adult. I am thankful for my parents, my siblings, and my fabulously radical dog Harley. Mostly, I am just thankful for everything!

This weeks freebie give you the opportunity to be thankful too. I have attached a printable of leaves that have a space for you to write what you ar thankful for and hang it on a thankful tree. Like so....

found here http://honeywerehome.blogspot.com/

Use these leaves to create the same effect. Maybe even do it before Thanksgiving dinner and then over desert, read what everyone said!

click here to download

I hope everyone has an absolutely fabulous Thanksgiving!

You might have a Facebook problem if...

2011-11-17T13:25:00.001-07:00

...You check it every 5 minutes
... You share entirely too much information about your daily tasks
...you share very private information and experiences
... You get offended or angry easily but others comment or opinions
... You say things you wouldn't normally say to someone's face
... You fish for compliments
... You use it to console lonely feelings
...you spend your day thinking about what funny cool compelling thing you could say on your status
... You post pictures every few hours
...you only stand up for yourself to others on Facebook
... You have private conversations on public walls
... You Facebook stalk people
...you are super negative every post
... And the list goes on and on

Most of us have Facebook. I bet there is only 1 in 10 people who don't. Those lucky dogs, they didn't get suck in facebook's wicked trap.

For some Facebook has become an obsession even a co dependency for some. How, you wonder, do I know this? I used to be one of them. It was unhealthy for me and my relationships. I always try and remember how relationships were without it. I remember being much more fulfilled.

Facebook gives you instant gratification and reassurance. Having a bad day? Talk about it on Facebook, someone is bound to console you. Really in need of a compliment? Facebook is the best place to go fishing. Want to avoid awkward moments or be honest with someone who pissed you off? Go ahead and vaugebook. Be passive aggressive. Say things you would never say to someone's face.

Be introspective. Really, think about how much Facebook effects your relationships and ask yourself if you are happy about it. There is a healthy way to use Facebook. There is hope!!

Remember that it is supposed to be fun. Not in anyway unfun. Say hi to people. Have good casual conversations. Keep your life privateish. You don't have to share personal matters. Do not expect attention or reassurance. You should be searching for that in real life. Stay positive. No one likes a party pooper. Learn how to handle your bad day privately. I promise it will help you have less bad days. If you are offended hurt bugged or annoyed, either 1 chalk it up to misinterpretation cause it probably is or 2 talk to the person by calling or seeing them.

I found this the other day...
"10% of conflicts is due to difference in opinion and 90% is due to wrong tone of voice."

If that percentage applied to actual conversations that happen with our mouths think about the percentages with Facebook conversations!!!

I am not saying get rid of Facebook. I am saying really think about if you use it healthily. If not, learn how. I promise promise promise you will be much happier and definitely more fulfilled.

Make your own headboard

2011-11-15T13:16:00.001-07:00

I always have an issue with buying home decor and furniture. I go to a furniture store and it is never quite what I want but I settle because what other choice do I have right?

Wrongo!! I can make it myself! So that is what I did with my head board. I love it!

I found the tutorial at Allthingsthrifty.com.

I did this project a bit different than her. Here is what I changed...

1.I measured my space first and decided on 10x10 squares. It mathematically made more sense to me. I have a king size bed so it measured 80 inches wide and 60 inches tall. If you work better in feet that is your choice.

2. I only bought 4 yards of fabric. It was enough plus I had extra. I cut 12x12 shares to give half an inch give on each side.

3. Total on this project I spent about $90. I got a standard staple gun. 3/8 inch staples. I had the wood cut for me at home depot. Queen size foam mattress pad from target. 4 yards of fabric. A sharpie. Oh and screws.

4. I laid out the foam mattress pad and drew my squares with a sharpie using a measuring tape to keep the lines as straight as possible. Cut the foam with scissors and used the flat side facing the fabric and bumpy side facing the wood.

5. When I put it all together I used screws not staples. Short screws mind you.

6. I didn't mount it to the wall or the bed frame. I just pushed it between the mattress and the wall and I have never had a problem.

It didn't take too much time and it really is one of my favorite projects. I think I will do one for the guest bedroom. ;)

Meals! ready to go!

2011-11-14T11:01:00.001-07:00

Well Hi everyone. Last week I was a slacker toward the end of the week. so sorry. My best friend got married and I was super super busy.

Here is you meal planning for this week:

Metabolism Miracle plan:
Monday - Glazed ham with veggies pg.120 MM cookbook
Tuesday - Sloppy joes with spaghetti squash pg.118 MM cookbook
Wednesday - Beef Stroganoff pg.118 MM cookbook
Thursday - Smoked sausage gumbo pg.113 MM cookbook

Friday - Chicken fajitas pg.113 MM cookbook

Saturday - Grilled lime chicken with green beans pg.112 MM cookbook
Sunday - Mediterranean meat loaf with broccoli pg.117 MM cookbook

Regular plan:
(all recipes came from this website, great for anyone who wants something easy and quick)
Monday - Chicken Pot Pie click here for recipe
Tuesday - Quick and Easy Chili click here for recipe

Wednesday - Crunchy Ranch Chicken Tenders with Cheese Fries click here for recipe

Thursday - Sloppy Joe Casserole click here for recipe
Friday - Brown Sugar Glazed Chicken with Sweet Potatoes click here for recipe

Saturday - Mexican Lasagna click here for recipe
Sunday - Mini Meat Loaves with Brown Sugar Glazed Carrots click here for recipe

Happy eating!!

Evidence of His love

2011-11-10T12:00:00.001-07:00

I have been so inspired by Hilary weeks album and "living proof" is another excellent song.

What does it mean to be living proof and evidence of His love? I think the song says the answer in the next sentence. "He heals, He knows, He gives, He cares, He hears, He shows, He's always there." Are we showing these attributes everyday? These attributes are like Him. Isn't that the goal, to be like Him?

I used to think that being true to myself was expressing every thought and every opinion. This logic was good enough reason to be rude, to put my nose where it didn't belong, and to spout. I was very unhappy and didn't know why. I was being "true" to myself after all.

Much time and many heartaches taught me, really being true to myself didn't always come in being an open book. It also came in the times I had enough respect, enough love, and enough kindness to keep my mouth shut. The truth is that my true self wants to give unwavering support, give enough love to heal hurtful words, and to look back at my words and not regret one of them. This is real joy. It seems so simple now.

So I want to show the evidence of His love. I want to show it through my words and my actions.

Wonderful wednesday

2011-11-09T21:33:00.001-07:00

You know what's wonderful? I just got an iPhone so I am a tad preoccupied. So sorry about the late post :)

Prepping wood pallets

2011-11-08T09:43:00.001-07:00

Tutorial Tuesday

Today I am starting a series of posts on wood pallets. Making things out of wood pallets takes time and I also have like 5 other projects going on at the same time. That's how I roll, multiple projects at a time. So please be patient with some of my big projects. They are worth the tutorial wait, I promise.

I am very lucky to have access to wood pallets. My husband grabs a few for me on the way home from work and I am set. I have had many people say "wood pallets!? What on earth can you do with those?" you can do an amazing amount with them my friends, trust me. Pinterest search pallets and you will see :o) If you are not as lucky as I am and do not have access to wood pallets, find a local business that you see them piled out behind and ask them what it would take to get a few. If all else fails, email me. (if you live in northern Utah)

When I choose wood pallets, I look for many things. I look for good wood...giggidy :o) and also condition and color. There are some pallets that look literally look like crap but have some super sturdy wood. Like this one....

This wood is thick and heavy. It will work great for a bookshelf I am going to work on soon. Try and get as clean of pallets as possible. You do not want to choose something that is too gross as it can harbor yucky bacteria. Try and get the best ones, it will make your job much easier.

When I get the pallets, I start by reinforcing parts of the wood that need it. I hammer in some sturdy nails to make sure when I start sanding I don't have a problem putting pressure on it.

This is for a project that you keep the pallet fully intact, like for a coffee table, couch, or bed frame. You will then begin to prep the wood by sanding. I use an electric hand sander.

and medium grit sand paper.

make sure that when you are sanding you go with the grain of the wood, it will make your life easier and the process faster. I round the edges of the wood because I don't want anyone to hurt themselves on a hard edge. This will be furniture after all.

It takes some time and good hand pressure on your sander but it does wonders for the wood. Look here and see the difference in the wood. Half of the pallet is sanded the other half is not.

and your sand paper will look like this very quickly :o)

Many people are very perfectionist about their projects. I am not one of them. The reason is that the little imperfections make some of the most unique and awesome things. This pallet will be the top of my coffee table. The reason I chose it is because the wood is sturdy, the boards are close together and it sands well. I want it to look worn and a oldish. That is what makes it awesome. So, this doesn't bother me at all...

Don't let things like that take you away from working with a great pallet. When all is said and done, it will be fine and it will look excellent. I promise.

I have more to come on pallets, I still have to finish this one and start other pieces. I hope you like pallets as much as me cause you are going to get a few pallet tutorials.

Happy Palleting!

I did the work for you

2011-11-07T11:36:00.004-07:00

Meal Planning Monday

I am hungry so this is a really dumb time for me to talk about food but alas here I am. I promised you meal plans and you will get meal plans dang it!

So remember last week when I told you about my dietary restrictions? Good. I will post my meal plan first. It is low carb and I mean super low carb. I am allowed 5g of Carbohydrate every 5 hours. Sometimes I don't even eat a carb every 5 hours. before I get the lectures...this phase of my diet is temporary, it is a detox phase. I do not count carbs in veggies meat cheese nuts. Milk however is another story, check out the carb on the back of your milk! Try soy or almond milk, really not that bad. anywho....here is my week of food.

Monday - Artichoke Chicken with steamed broccoli - click here for recipe

Tuesday - Coconut Chicken with salad and balsamic vinaigrette - click here for recipe

Wednesday - Personal Pizzas- I like to give my husband a little break from the low carb thing cause he is not on the diet but tries to eat the same thing I do at dinner. This night I will make him a regular personal pizza, I just use rhode's rolls for the dough, pizza sauce, and cheese, with whatever toppings he wants. For my personal pizza I use a low carb tortilla (under 5 grams) and I use crushed tomatoes that I season myself, with cheese and either veggies or meat on the top. yummy!

Thursday - Cheezy burgers with broccoli & cheese casserole - Recipes found in "The Metabolism Miracle" pg 170

Friday - Stir Fry - I make this without a recipe. Meat (either chicken or beef or Elk :o) add onions green peppers and broccoli. season and add soy sauce.

Saturday - stuffed peppers - again something I make without a recipe. I use ground beef, add fresh crushed tomatoes, season, sometimes I add zucchini or squash (be careful in the kind, must not be starchy) stuff hollowed green peppers. Bake in the oven.

Sunday - Bacon wrapped pork loin - recipe in "The Metabolism Miracle Cookbook" pg 121 with steamed cauliflower.

For all you non diet people out there......

Monday - slow cooker tikka marsala - click here for the recipe

Tuesday - Mustard Roast Beef - click here for the recipe

Wednesday - Pumpkin Chili - click here for the recipe

Thursday - Brown Sugar and Balsamic Glazed Pork Loin - click here for recipe

Friday - Stacked Sweet Corn, Bean, and Beef Casserole - click here for recipe

Saturday - Chinese honey chicken - click here for recipe

Sunday - last but not least, I am going to give away one of my awesome recipes I learned from my mom.

Traditionalish enchiladas

package of corn tortillas
1 can of chili or 2 cups of homemade chili
1 regular can of red enchilada sauce
1lbs of ground beef
Mexican style shredded cheese

olives chopped or sliced

olive oil
sour cream

salsa

Brown the beef in a large skillet pan. You may season if you like but it is not necessary. Add chili to ground beef and heat on medium until warm, then set to low. In a small skillet pan, heat about a table spoon if oil on medium, do not get too hot. Prepare a casserole dish to the side of your small skillet. Place corn tortillas one at a time in the small skillet warming and softening the tortilla. Move warmed tortilla to the casserole dish and scoop in the meat/chili mix into the middle of the tortilla. roll. Continue until casserole dish is full. Smother all rolled tortillas with red enchilada sauce. cover with cheese. sprinkle with olives before you cook or after it is done, it doesn't matter. cover with tin foil. Bake in the oven for 20-30 minutes on 350. Check every 10 minutes. serve with sour cream and salsa.

My mom made this when I was young and I loved loved loved it. Now I make it and I get the best compliments on it. Enjoy!!

Freebie Friday

2011-11-04T12:03:00.000-06:00

Many of you know that I dabble a bit in graphic design. In past years, I have tried to make money at it. It never really worked out and to be honest it took all of the fun out of designing for me. I still do it on occasion at the request of my friends and family.

You lovely people are so blessed :o) I am going to give away freebies just to my awesome blog readers. Please remember the rules. Refer to them on the sidebar ----->
This week is a printable meal planner. Hope you love it as much as I do :o)

Click here to print

Take it for What it's worth Thursday

2011-11-03T08:14:00.000-06:00

Disclaimer for this part of the schedule: It really is what the title says, take it for what it's worth. It is my advice, my opinion, my view, my life, my trials. Yours may be different and thank the Lord above that we all experience life differently. I hate that I must bring it up, but......please be respectful. I will try and avoid negativity, please do so as well. I will not tolerate rudeness. No matter what medium, rudeness is unnessary and down right unchristlike. Just please follow this old simple rule...if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.

Beautiful Heartbreak by Hilary Weeks

I have been very flattered that a few people have come to me in the last week and told me that this song reminded them of me. The first time I heard this song I cried and I totaly felt like it had explained my journey. Many of you only know about the infertility part. There is so much more that has happened over the last 6 years of my life that has caused me much pain, much regret, much anger, and much heartache.

Since coming home to Utah, I have found so much peace. A peace that can only be explained through the atonement of Jesus Christ. I feel like He is purifying my heart and to be honest, this is the first time I have really let Him. My openness to His will has changed me. It has taken away so much of the heartache I have felt for years. The Spirit has come and calmed my anxiety and my aching heart. Most of all, I have been able to see His will for me and have been able to mold my actions toward that will.

I am blessed everyday to let go of more and more, to see the things that really eternally matter, and to walk in a way that I am proud and confident in myself. I am also blessed with the most outstanding support system. My family never fails to lift me up when I am down and have faith in my abilities and my future. I am also lucky to have a couple close friends who have been unnwavering in thier loyalty and love for me. I used to think I wanted the biggest party on the block but really I would be fine if only these few people showed up.

I can't really give too much advice on how to achieve this, honestly. The reason being that we all have to choose for ourselves to open our hearts. I heard the lessons for years and never really listened. I think you just have to pray that you can let go of the bad stuff to make room for the good stuff. One day the pain, guilt, and anger will be less. If you diligently become your best self, the good does come. I am a witness to it. I have traveled there and I truely don't regret any minute of my pain cause I get to see this view. This view with more love, and faith, and peace that I have ever known. It is my beautiful heartbreak.

Wonderful Wednesday

2011-11-02T08:00:00.000-06:00

You know what is absolutely wonderful? This picture of my dog...

http://ssquaredphoto.com/

My sister and I spent much time getting these glasses to stay on him but we finally did it. I think this picture is hilarious. It reminds me of Kip from Napolean Dinamite....

bwahahahahah! Isn't it wonderful!? Please "Pin it" Harley was meant to be famous!!

Tutorial Tuesday

2011-11-01T08:46:00.001-06:00

Tutorials.....umm ya. i have had many requests for tutorials with my crafts. Here is the issue. I suck at tutorials! The reason being that really my creativity comes to me as I create. It is not a way organized process but i will try to organize my thoughts and creativity and share.

Today is my favorite! My awesome frames. I love them :o)

I usually go to a flee market or a consignment shop to find these beauties and it really does take keep you eye out for them and even getting you hands a bit dirty and digging for them. Remember, you are not looking for color! This is one of the first mistakes people make when finding items to refinish. Your eye is natually drawn to certain colors. My eye is drawn to blue and green, always has always will. Look for shape and really all around awesomeness.

Spray paint is your friend. I usually clean the frame before I paint. That is all. No matter what finish. That is what makes it unique. Don't be scared of inperfections, that gives it character. Spray paint these bad boys and let them dry. Be careful! Don't put them up to early you might get paint on the wall. I wait a few days. Sometimes I add extra color with toll paint.

Easy peasy lemon squeezie!!

See I told you I suck at tutorials. They will get better, I promise :o)

Meal planning Monday

2011-10-31T10:52:00.002-06:00

Well hello there :o) Let's get going on htis schedule thing.

Meal Planning has literally saved my domestic life. I mean seriously, I would be domestically dead right now without it :o) Meal Planning makes my life so so much easier. Save money on groceries, cook every night, never stress about dinner. I have found some awesome tools where I don't even have to do the work Ha! Isn't that fantastic.

I will share a few tips with you today and also products and websites that have helped me. In the weeks to come I will be posting my own weekly planning guide so you can just take mine if you want :o) Sound good? I knew you would love it :o)

My first run in with meal planning I found while blog surfing. I came across this.....

http://www.pocketmealplanning.com/

They have all the recipes, the grocery lists, and even the pocket to put it in. Really inexpensive and I love the recipes. This got me going, taught me how to plan, and helped my cooking skills.

Now I have graduated to planning with my own recipes. Here is a great website that has recipes and a planning guide on it.

http://www.dinnertool.com/

One of the awesome things about it is you can be specific, like low carb, or fast, or easy and it will give you recipes for that. It also can make your meal plan into a shopping list. oh how lovely!

Ok so here I am going to throw in a little information about the upcoming meal planning mondays. I am on a very specific diet. It is really changing my life. I am the administrator of a Facebook page for Utah PCOS support. A link to this wonderful book was posted there......

http://www.themetabolismmiracle.com/

Every symptom in the book I had. If that wasn't enough to start this plan, then the thought of miscarrying again is. You see, we are going to try and have a baby again. But FIRST, I need to get my body under control. This will help me do it. If you have ever had trouble loosing weight, gain fat around your middle, diabetes or prediabetes, and for sure PCOS, read this. It might help you too.

My personal meal plan will be according to this plan, low carb for 8 weeks. I will also post a regular plan for all you skinnies :o)

Today is Monday! Meal plan away! Ready set go!

The new face of blog

2011-10-30T18:05:00.004-06:00

Hi all of my wonderful blog followers. I am really excited to show you the new face of this blog! I have already got me a new design (which I designed entirely by myself BTW...I am humble :o) now I need to get some new posts.

First of all, I hope you all have noticed that I added a pinterest button to each post. Feel free to pin anything you see on my blog. You are more than welcome to share my ideas and freebies on any form of social media. I am fine with it under two conditions...(1) all items posted are FOR PERSONAL USE ONLY. I will be listing this on all of my freebies and ideas, please respect my creativity and your own and do not use my stuff for professional gain....(2) If you post one of my ideas or freebies, please link back and give me credit. Pretty please and Thank you!

Starting tomorrow I will be have a blog schedule. Mostly I am doing this to keep my crazy mind organized. I have so many ideas that I go on tangents unless there is a schedule. you can expect a random tangent or two though :o)

Here is the schedule:

Meal Planning Monday
Tutorial Tuesday
Wacky/Wonderful Wednesday
Take it for what it's worth Thursday
Freebie Friday

I will not be posting on the weekend because that time is dedicated to my family and loved ones.

I will use my own ideas and projects as well as link to others. If you have a great idea you would like featured let me know.

I am so excited to get going!! I hope you are too!

The grass is the same color on the other side! It's all Green!

2011-08-28T06:48:00.002-06:00

First of all, update. Irene came by and just waved a little hand for about point two second and really that was it. Small bursts of rain and wind but nothing else. It was really anticlimatic to be honest. But thankfully it didn't cause any damage. It is all good.

I am not sure if some of you have noticed but Facebook now likes to remind you what you said the same day last year or the year before that. Today I looked ever to the sidebar and read what I said in 2009 and in 2010.....

Kelly Bell Treadway Is like so wanting to leave Utah (2009)

Kelly Bell Treadway finally has a ticket back to Utah to get the rest of our staff packed up and loaded to drive across America again. (2010)

It was really interesting to me. Perhaps inspired. Last night I had a big long talk with Will about being a little nervous to go back to Utah. I really have been hurt by some people there, and lets be honest....it is really hard to be a member of the church there or easy I guess depending on how much you care if people are up in your business judging your every move. Will doesn't care so it is easy for him. Me the freak that has a panic attack if someone doesn't like her, is a bit nervous.

One thing I have learned is that the grass is not greener really on either side. Grass is just green. My life here in Charleston has honestly not been much different than it was in Utah. Really only location. Life has taught me some great lessons since I have been here but I think it would have taught me them in Utah as well.

I think my point is that I am always looking for something better down the road instead of being grateful for what I have now.

I love Charleston. It is one of the most beautiful places I have seen. I love the history. I love the ocean. and I love the experiences I have had while being here.

So I am not off to greener pastures, just the ones where my roots are. The ones that I call home. The ones that have everyone I love there with me. I am grateful for Charleston and Utah! I am blessed I think. Lucky I think! actually I know.

I am a wussy pants

2011-08-23T16:31:00.000-06:00

Can I just say I am the biggest wussy pants on the planet. So a nasty raging hurricane is a brewin. I wasn't too worried not until my super awesome super protective super worried sister called me at work and told me to get the H out of Charleston asap. boo!! If you have been hiding under a rock......

This puppy is headed toward the East coast. Where do I live....the East coast!! Well at least until Labor day weekend and then we were coming home to Utahrd. SO they are not sure its path. It could move away from us. And it could not.

It doesn't help that my apartment management just sent me a list of shelters in the area. It doesn't help that the wind is making me feel a bit eerie. It doesn't help that I really really needed this weekend to get some stuff done but now I might be evacuating or stuck inside for the weekend.

Well, I guess the best I can do is keep supplies in the Jeep and gas in the tank. Thank heavens there is at least technology to tell me its commin!!

Beauty

2011-08-14T07:32:00.000-06:00

You never really miss the beauty of a place until you leave it. There are times in Charleston where I take time out of my busy life and look at the world around me. This really is one the most beautiful places on earth. I will miss that. I will miss all the bridges..the ocean..the trees.

I love driving into Mount Pleasant in the morning. Coming down off the large bridge and staring down into the beautiful greenery with a layer of fog resting on top. I love driving over the Ravenel bridge with my windows down.

I miss the Utah mountains and the snow. I miss a white christmas. I do miss the dryness. Humidity is no bueno.

I miss going to the family cabin up in the mountain and tubing down the greatest hill on earth!!

I am just lucky. Really lucky to have lived in some of the most beautiful places. It will forever be etched into my memory.

Home

2011-08-12T09:54:00.000-06:00

I have been thinking about what to write here. I think one of the things that I love about blogging is that it gives me the ability to express myself in writing. I find much joy and relief in that.

I have had to take a step back from blogging. I let it become a beast all its own and it really grew to be a big monster in my life. I kept feeding it and feeding it and feeding it. I don't even think it was one big event or even that anything happened at that time. I just one day decided I had to stop for my own sake.... and for my relationships.

I have spent 25 years of my life really saying anything I wanted and justifying it by saying I was being true to myself. I have been hurtful, dramatic, emotional, funny, inspiring, and every other thing I can think of. The one thing I wasn't really doing was being true to myself. Isn't it ironic? Funny about that hind sight thing.

I have spent the last year in Charleston really finding out things about myself that I have not been a huge fan of. I have been surprised by my willingness to let go of control over my self and my emotions. I have handed it out like candy.

I have had a few people mention to me that I have changed. That my light and brightness is gone. The thing that made me bubbly is missing. Let me say, it is not missing. It is reserved. It is in my little vault of control. When we are broken down by situations or by people, we protect ourselves. The best parts of me are reserved for the people I trust. The people I love. The people who show that they love me. I have had to unbreak what has been broken. My spirit was broken, the thing that made me who I am has been broken. I have had to take away from all to find the few that really deserve to have the best parts of me. The thing that is so exciting about it is that I know who I can trust now. Being away has giving me a glimpse of who really wants to be a part of my future and also who I want to be a part of my future.

I have made a very profound decision. I feel that I am making my life what it should be. We are coming home. The happiest moments in life are knowing that your mom is only a quick drive away. Your best friend is sitting on the couch with you laughing about something that happened last week. My husband is able to do the things he loves most. Learning how to make jam from one of the many talented women in my life. Driving up the canyon with the top off the Jeep. Going to the cabin with my super large family and filling every bed even every couch.

Not many bad memories have a place over the good memories anymore. The things that really matter, will. The things that really don't matter, won't. And most of all I will be there for the time in my life where I am able to give my best to the people who deserve it. I will be able to keep control of my life and the road I take. Most of all, I will grow and learn just like I am now. I hope that I ALWAYS realize when I am wrong, so that I can fix it. I hope I am ALWAYS challenged beyond what I think I can handle. and I hope I can ALWAYS love to the depth or deeper than I do now.

(via Little Reminders of Love)

Well Holy Smoley 100 more

2011-07-23T10:36:00.000-06:00

200. Well I just suck at putting things off, thus 20 days later the next 100
201. I am obviously a procrastinator
202. or I am really not which is quite funny one extreme or the other.
203. I tried to make macaroni and cheese yesterday without milk.
204. I like the spongebob squarepants macaroni the best
205. I'm on the edge of glory
206. I also have a poker face
207. freakin lady gaga and her catchy songs
209. I have learned much about myself lately
210. I have been doing a lot on introspection
211. I do not live in the present
212. I live worrying about the future
213. For years I have attached my happiness to things or situations. Now that they are different or gone I have to do it the right way.
214. I love teaching children
215. Kids really do say the darndest things
216. I suck suck suck at keeping up on my laundry or really doing it at all.
217. I have almost gone my full 2 year contract with the same phone (well same model) That is tough considering the leaps and bounds technology has made over the last 2 years
218. I have allergies in SC but not in Utah
219. I like school
220. I love to read interesting text books
221. It is hard to find an interesting text book
222. I am glad I have learned that my life is not everyones business
223. Thanks to much self control and great wisdom from the hubby I have learned to control having my day to day life on the internet
224. Facebook has changed people
225. I wish we could go back to the days where facebook didn't exist. Not that it is terrible and wicked just that it has changed the way people have friendships. It has made friendship into something so casual that the real thing hardly exists anymore.
226. I got a sewing basket for $15 the other day and I was really excited
227. Will's cell phone had issues the other day and it was so weird.
228. The south says their macaroni and cheese is the best but I have yet to witness it.
229. I ate a sandwich the other day that had sourdough brie and apple and some turkey and it was friggin amazing!
230. I live green peppers on my pizza. this is a new discovery
231. Harley is the cutest sleeper
232. My apartment is always super cold when I walk in. I love that.
233. My Jeep still doesn't have AC
234. I love this blog....

235. I need a pedicure
236. and a massage
237. I have to force my husband to get new clothes, shoes, ect
238. I miss having a big kitchen
239. I just went to Ikea and I remembered how much a friggin love it
240. I try to change our bedspread but we always have to go back to the same thing. Cause nothing beats a quilt made by this lady....http://weddingdressblue.wordpress.com/
241. I
242. am
243. out
244. of
245. ideas
266. oh wait I skipped a few ;o) oh well!
267. I like eating at the early bird diner and chatting with Will

268. We should go to the swimming pool more often. a
269. and the beach
270. My favorite fruit is peaches
271. I think I am good at math
272. I think being good at my job has always shot me in the foot in one way or another
273. I always try and please people before I do what is best for me.
274. 95% of the time I don't like that about myself
275. I am often referred to as a door mat
276. of a bitch
277. I am not sure which one it is
278. My wrists tingle from being on the computer for over 10 hours a day.
288. oops! oh well
289. I am starting to have focus problems with my eyes becuase I look at things up close for so long it is hard to transition to things far away
290. My mom and brother are in town
291. This sweet little girl is finally home....

292. her mommy and daddy are really tired
293. I want to have a baby so she has someone to play with
294. I am hungry
295. I really want to go read my book. Good thing I am almost done :o)
296. I want a family reunion soon! dang it!
297. I love being at the family cabin with EVERYONE there!
298. I miss the snow
299. Yeah!! I love that this is almost done
300. Sorry I cheated ;o)

100 more

2011-07-04T13:38:00.000-06:00

First of all, Happy 4th of July!!

lets get back going on this craziness....

101. I like to cuddle with Will :o)
102. I like to cuddle with Harley
103. I do not really follow the news. It depresses me and I already have enough that is depressing besides submitting myself to it by watching the news
104. My favorite soda is Dr Pepper
105. My favorite game is Bang! You should try it if you haven't...

106. I like to wear hat but I never get to anymore. When I was in college I did all the time.
107. My feet get soooo hot. Even in winter, so I love to wear flip floppies
108. These are my favorite shoes....

109. I have them in green and pink.
110. I also love these....

111. I have them in Red and Yellow
112. I never get to wear them. It sucks
113. I have recently tried couponing after watching an episode of extreme couponing. It is harder than it looks.
114. I save $20 with coupons last time I went shopping.
115. I get charliehorses at night. It is because I don't drink enough water
116. I cooked some fish the other night and it was great. cooking fish scares me.
117. I only like shrimp if it is cooked perfectly. Which has only happened once in my life.
118. I like my grits creamy!
119. Cheesecake is fabulous
120. I could eat pizza every day, so could Will
121. I have too many projects I want to work on and not enough time to finish them.
122. I love Skype
123. I love Pinterest
124. I have taught primary 4 out of the 7 years Will and I have been married
125. Will and I have already owned 2 homes and that is enough to last a lifetime
126. I have a clean driving record
127. It has been that way for 5 years
128. I had a crush on Jonathan Taylor Thomas when I was a kid
129. I miss my hometown
130. I like watching Football, Soccer, and Baseball. I just don't like how long the games are, especially baseball
131. Coke a cola taste better in Mexico
132. Fish tacos taste better in Mexico
133. I like to play Plants vs. Zombies

134. I have never fainted
135. I have never had a bloody nose
136. My eye sight is getting bad. I am having trouble transitioning between close and far
137. I think I am going to get carpel tunnell
138. I really love roller coasters
139. and carnivals
140. and parades
141. and bbq's
142. I secretly wish Will owned a motorcycle so I could ride on the back :o)
143. Bullet bikes are stupid
144. I want to travel the world
145. I really want to go to Paris, Greece, Italy, and , and , and
146. Why are TV hosts always english??
147. I am secretly a reality TV star, America just doesn't know it yet
148. It takes me an hour to get ready in the morning.
149. I am a snoozer
150. I miss going camping
151. We have no camping gear now
152. I totally dig Lady Gaga

152. I hate to movie my husband watches. They are gross and loud. booo
153. I hate the one he is watching now, the one that is really distracting me. boooo
154. I want to own a boat one day.
155. I wish I had a hammock
156. I have road rage
157. I learned from the best ;o) Shannon ;o)
158. I rented all of Dawson's Creek when I was 25 years old cause I had to catch up on not being able to watch it as a kid.
159. My mom was right about the Simpson's
160. My mom was right. Nothing good happens after midnight.
161. I wish I would have listened more to my mom's domestic insructions so I wouldn't have to call her mid recipe.
162. How do you make jam? Oh ya I was taught that like 500 times but I still don't remember how.
163. My mom's homemade pickles where always the best
164. My siblings and I used to come up with some crazy games to play. Like the sock game. We used the huge box of unmatched socks and stuck them in our pants and tried to see who could steal the most. Like flags in flag football.
165. We used to slide down the stairs in a sleeping bag. It rocked!
166. Mom, we always found our Christmas gifts. Thanks for trying to hid them though.
167. Cinnamon toast and hot chocolate. My mom still does that on Saturday mornings.
168. I miss that big old tree in in front of the house I grew up in. Tire swing and all.
169. I loved playing night games! What happened to night games!? Why don't adults play those?
170. Girls camp, enough said
171. I miss finding onions the size of my head on the side of the road.
172. and wild aspargus by the ditch
173. Every child should have a swimming pool! It is the best!
174. I think Will is learning what to do in a zombie apocalypse. This movie is teaching him the way :0/
175. gross!! turn that crap off seriously! Will!!
176. Sorry, I get distracted easily.
177. Blood make me woozy
178. EWwww as do guts ewwww
179. Harley knows that when Will leaves he can get on the bed haha
180. When we leave Harley always tries to get into the trash. naughty dog
181. I wish I could dance like the people on "So You Think You Can Dance"
182. This is the most amazing dance I have EVER seen!!

183. My husband show just yelled, "Fight now! Cry Later!" Thanks George Clooney, I will remember that.
184. My sister is the best mom ever, besides my mom of course...

185. I like to go bowling. I really suck at it though
186. My socks have hearts on them
187. I NEVER wear green on St.Patricks day and I NEVER get pinched
188. My favorite bath and body smell is the magnolia. Do they still sell that one?
189. Paying for the internet while flying is TOTALLY worth it.
190. There are always travel tards that ruin it for everyone
191. I snore. Really loud.
192. My favorite girl scout cookie is a samoa or whatever they renamed it.
193. My feet are small 6 1/2 - 7 to be exact.
194. I like high heels but I hate wearing them
195. I wish my boobs where like Katy Perry's and had stuff shoot out of them.

196. I wish I could simply buy a bra from Target but my knockers but I guess big boobs don't deserve cute bras....only grandma ones.
197. I miss watching "Hey Dude!" and "Doug" those were the days
198. I listen to High School Musical and The Wiggles and I don't even have kids. Thanks Flippers!
199. The remake of "Footloose" better be as good as the first or there will have to be a wicked beat down.
200. Yeah I am done with this hundred. This is gonna be hard. wow!

Do you double dog dare me?

2011-07-01T16:59:00.000-06:00

As many of my loyal followers know, when I hit a hundred mark on by blog I do something special. 100 was 100 things about me and so was 200. 300 I wussed out and only did a few pictures in celebration. Here I am at 400. Do you dare me to do 400 things about myself? or 400 things I like? double dog dare me?

Okay!? I have a Facebook, I can do narcissistic :o) Bring it on!!

1. My favorite thing is Will

2. My second favorite thing is Harley

3. Charleston has the best restaurants on the planet Like this one that changes the menu at every meal.

4. Harley has just finished obedience training to move on to dog agility
5. He is the naughtiest dog in the class
6. I think he secretly loves it
7. I am addicted to pop art. I really love crazy stuff, like this...

8. I think sayings in other languages are more awesome than ones in English. Like Siempre Juntos.
9. I am embroidering Siempre Juntos to put on my wall.
10. I am learning embroidery.
11. I want to sew more often
12. My sewing machine is at Shannon's house
13. I would rather make my home decor than buy it
14. Right now I am making our headboard. It is fabulous.
15. I love going to the flee market
16. Will goes with me and eats cajun flavored boiled peanuts while we walk
17. The heat in South Carolina is unbearable! Worse than Utah by a million!
18. In March I literally gave away EVERYTHING I own. That sucked
19. My ringtone right now is Shinedown

20.My favorite band is still Halestorm.
21. i am really digging some of their covers right now. like this one....

22. I really want them to come out with a new album. I am ready
23. I have seen them in concert 3 times and the 1st time is still the best, thanks Murray Theater in Utah
24. I wish more bands came to Charleston. I miss that about SLC
25. I am so ready for a new phone. Mine is entirely too slow.
26. My contract is up with Tmobile this month. I am switching to Verizon because ATT&T bought Tmobile and they have the Iphone.
27. I could organize my entire life on an Ipad. Unfortunately, I cannot afford one, just get to witness people underuse theirs.
28. My message notification is the fail tone from Mario Brothers.
29. Everyone thinks it is rad.
30. My Jeep does not have AC. Please refer to #17 for how I feel about that.
31. I really do love my Jeep even though it has cost me a billion dollars to do repairs on it in the last year.
32. We almost sold it and I just couldn't do it.
33. I broke down into tears (admit it too! You get attached to your car)
34. We will continue to buy Jeeps cause we just love them. Especially the Wrangler
35. I love going to the beach
36. I sunburn really easily
37. Will just tans and I am jealous
38. Every year will gets a wicked farmers tan.
39. Its hott ;o)
40. We have 2 bathrooms in our apartment. One is his and one is mine. Thank goodness.
41. My sister asked if his sink was growing a beard. that is why we do not share a bathroom.
42. My hair is blonde again. i color it too much
43. I just had my boss cut the best aline bob of my life.
44. My hair mentor is amazing, she did Rachel Mcadams extensions when she was here filming "The Notebook"
45. I hope to be more like her, my mentor, she is a great person.
46. I have a rockstar work schedule
47. I am awesome at cutting men's hair.
48. There are bumper stickers here with a Palmetto tree and cresent moon in the word Native. I want to get a sticker that says immigrant just to be a butt.
49. You are not truly a South Carolina resident until you have the Palmetto tree and cresent moon on your vehicle or tattooed on your body wow!
50. What is up with monogramming? here is both in one shot!

51. I try and decorate with different colors but I always end up going back to blue and green.
52. I have added a bit of yellow. I think it is working
53. I have a king sized bed.
54. It is really the only thing we own. refer to # 18
55. Will and I really want to go to South America for a month or two.
56. We might actually do it now that we are not tied down by loans and debt.
57. I hate banks
58. I DO NOT think a home is a good investment!
59. I love the freedom of not being tied to a mortgage or an auto loan or or or...... it is freeing.
60. I love it when Will speaks spanish. It is hott
61. Going to South America would be a month full of me being turned on by Will's Spanish
62. Maybe that is some incentive for him to go
63. I am a procrastinator
64. I am a visual learner
65. I am a hard worker at work and super super lazy at home. ask my laundry it will vouch for that
66. My foot itches cause I was bit by a bug
67. I used to not be a homebody but Will remedied me of that
68. I would rather have a few great friends than have many okay friends
69. We love hanging out with the missionaries
70. A little girl whose family are looking into the church saw me at church on Sunday and then at Mcdonalds and she called me the missionary girl :o) it was funny
71. I have been working on blog designing for over a year
72. It is some hard stuff
73. I am excited to do a murder mystery party this year. We haven't done one in 2 years.
74. I own no Christmas decorations. and I really don't care. Why did I spend so much money on something I use for 3 week once a year? I dunno
75. I think we might try out the real tree thing this year
76. I miss the snow
77. I thought I would never say that I miss the snow
78. I have often been wrong about how I would feel here
79. I have learned and grown more in the last year of my life than in the 25 years before that.
80. I miss my family
81. Tickets to Utah are expensive
82. I am coming to Utah in November for my best friends wedding
83. I love the XBOX Kinect. It is fun
84. We can never use it cause we are in the upstairs apartment and it is loud
85. I really wish I could Skype more with people I miss
86 . I spend too much time on Pinterest looking at stuff like this...

87. I want another tattoo. Like this....

88. I have to get my existing tattoo fixed first
89. I am not a huge fan of tattoo artists. If they don't like your tattoo they are rude. There are only a few who are not
90. Will and I always find the best breakfast places
91. We like to go eat breakfast on Saturday and then go to the shooting rang
92. There is a lot more crime here than in Utah
93. Will has his concealed carry
94. I am getting mine too
95. I am loosing weight but I am not sure why. I am not really trying. that is good
96. I am addicted to 19th century romance novels.
97. I read every night before I go to bed
98. It is too hot here to sleep in jammies
99. I sleep with 2 pillows, one under my head, and I hug the second
100. Will can sleep in his nudey shoes but I can't do it. Not sure why.

Okay I have to do this in segments. the next 100 is coming soon ;o)

A whole new me!!

2011-06-28T17:51:00.000-06:00

Well, hello my long lost friends!

So, I have been absent. Let me tell you why... I have had many lessons to learn. Control with my word vomit has been one of them. Balance has been another. I am working really hard to find a warm fuzzy place with my openness and my privateness. Luckily, I have to most amazing husband on the planet that teaches me and supports me through it all. Isn't he great ;o)

I think so but I may be a bit biased :o)

I have a new look for a new me!! It was time to start fresh! Plus I have been working on my mad blog designing skills (very frustratingly I might add) But hey it turned out fabulous so I am super happy. Be patient with me as I get my links up to Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest. If you are not on Pinterest go ask for an invite now!! You heard me!! Now!!

http://pinterest.com/bellykell/

I am welcoming myself back into the blogging world. welcome back me. thanks me. your welcome me. ha!

Okay Okay!

2011-05-31T15:00:00.000-06:00

I decided I would update a bit. It has been nice to have a break from the daily blog scene and I really do plan on keeping it that way. I have enjoyed having more one on one conversations with people rather than them reading my blog to get the skinny.

Here are a few updates.....

Will and I.....
Are doing the best we have in years. I feel so blessed to be married to him. He is my other half and I wouldn't have it any other way.

baby..
On birth control unfortunately. Here is why..I am at higher risk for cancer if I am not. Plus my hormonies are freakin crazy and the acne gets unbearable. No health insurance. Not enough money yet for out of pocket expenses. So, we are being smart about it. Birth control it is. I am okay just being an Auntie for now. Oh ya, have you seen her lately?

Har dog....
Is the best dog ever. He is learning some great tricks and is super duper smart. He is in obedience class right now working to control himself so he can do agility classes soon. He has to learn to pay attention to me and do control his impulses to socialize during training. He is working on it. We will get there.

My job..
I was ready to start doing hair in July buuuutttttt....some unforeseen circumstances changed that. I was asked very kindly to go back up to the front desk and work there for 6 more months. Not what I wanted. But in the long run, I really feel I am great in both areas and I gotta do what I gotta do. Someday I will be doing hair again. Someday.

Friends.....
My best friend ever is doing super well and I really want her to call me soon to see if she has any news. Soon ;o)
We have made a great group of friends here and we are so glad that most of them like the same things we do. One couple is moving in to the building next door in June! That will be a blast. It is great to feel like we are building a support system here, especially being so far away from our families. We are blessed.

going ons.....
Will FINALLY took his concealed carry class. After the background check he is ready to go. He has been talking about it for years. And to many people's surprise I will also be getting mine at the end of the summer. It is just not as safe in this world as I would like it to be. Sometimes I miss Utah for that reason. Not as much crime. But I am a great shot and I punch like a guy when I am pissed so I think with all of that on my side, I have it covered.

One day I will finish my degree. One day.

I am the Sunbeam teacher.

I lost 10lbs by eliminating soda and cutting out salt.

Will is going to be 30 soon. old man.

We are going to Savannah for our anniversary.

Okay that is all :o)

Baby Update

2011-05-27T12:33:00.000-06:00

First off, I have had a few people ask if this amazing bundle of joy is mine. She is my niece. But I am just as happy :o)

My sister is doing well, except missing the baby when she is not with her. Kalea is growing well and really is a strong little girl. No big problems so far. Here is a video update. One day I will update this silly blog about me but for now, this is all I am willing to post about.

Much love,

LOVE

2011-05-11T19:43:00.000-06:00

I love this little girl.

Kalea Grace Slayton

Born May 11, 2011

2 lbs. 4 oz

Beautiful and healthy so far.

Mom is doing great.

We are blessed!

PRAYERS PLEASE!

2011-04-30T07:42:00.000-06:00

I know I am on a break and believe me after this it will be necessary.

PLEASE SEND YOUR PRAYS TO MY SISTER!

Her sweet baby Kalea will need to be delivered early. She is not getting enough nutrients from the placenta. Shannon is only 28 weeks along and the doctors are hoping baby Kalea grow a little more before they deliver Shannon via c-section.

I have never ask for anything like this before. I know that all the wonderful people who follow my blog would be a force to be reckoned with in the prayer department. We all have to do it so much! Please send an extra prayer up for my sister Shannon, her husband Tim, and sweet baby Kalea.

Thank you all in advance!

Much love,

Taking a Break

2011-04-27T14:14:00.000-06:00

Taking a break :O)

Sending much love, fun, and awesomeness your way until I return.

If I only had today

2011-04-19T10:06:00.000-06:00

So, I know it is not like I have been the shining example of an avid blogger as of late. I am afraid that it will not get better.

I wanted to say something. I want to be a shining example to you all on how to deal with all the junk that goes on in life. I can't.

Some of you are like, what!? Out of the blue. Well not really. The last year and a half has been hard. Even harder than infertility, if you can imagine that.

I almost lost everything a week ago. I have lost so much already. I almost lost everything. I have been thinking about how the loss of everything has been my own fault. I series of the worst choices I have ever made.

So, I have made a new vow. One to my husband, to my family, to me. I have vowed to really put first the things that matter the most.

Although I love this blog, it is not what matters most. Writing on here has been a distraction for me. Trying to supplement things that are missing in my real non computer life.

I am sorry to all of you who have thought that I am strong, cause the fact is that I am not. I am weak. I want to be strong. I want to be the person that can support others and guide them through the hardest moments in their lives. I have realized you can't guide someone through the dark when you are more blinded by it than they are, no matter how well I can fake it or write it.

I heard this song today....

If I only had today by Hilary Weeks

It seems like I've watched a million sunsets
And stared at a thousand full moons
Sometimes it feels like I've been here forever
And sometimes it all feels brand new.

I could never count the heartbeats
From the day I was born until now
But not a single one goes unnoticed
By Him who breathes life in me somehow.

But if there were no more tomorrows
If I knew that I could not stay
I know how I'd spend every moment
If I only had today.

I'd hold you and listen
And I'd let the dishes sit in the sink
I'd tell you I loved you over and over
And for once I'd just let the phone ring
Then I'd remind you of forever
And how our love would never change
If I only had today.

I'd wake up before the sun did
And I'd watch as you quietly sleep
I'd pray for time to move slowly
Knowing the moment won't keep

All the gifts that Heaven has given
Every blessing that's come my way
Wouldn't mean anything without you
So if I only had today.

I'd hold you and listen
I'd memorize every detail of your face
I'd tell you I loved you over and over
I wouldn't let excuses get in the way
Then I'd remind you of forever
And how our love would never change
If I only had today.

There's no time like the present
Life doesn't come with any guarantees
The sun will set and time won't wait.

So while I have today

I'll hold you and listen
I'll let the dishes sit in the sink
I'll tell you I love you over and over
For once I'll just let the phone ring.
And I'll remind you of forever
And how our love will never change
Because I have today.

Today I am recommitting everything to Will, to my family. So I am going to let the phone ring and let this blog go. I am going to stop caring about Facebook and things that are trivial. I am going to love with all of my heart instead of it half behind a wall from all the pain. I am going to pray and read and learn. I am going to work and play. I am going to kiss my best friend Will every day and take the time I was putting toward this blog and give it to him. Extra moments for him.

When I have free time I will update but it will be low on the list instead of at the top. Please feel free to email me if you would like to continue chatting with me as many of you have done all ready.
bellykell441@gmail.com

to end, one of my favorite scriptures that totally communicates my heart.

Ruth 1: 16-17
16 And Ruth said, Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go ; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God :

17 Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the Lord do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me.

much love,

I wish I didn't have a fat face

2011-04-12T07:59:00.000-06:00

There are always certain hairstyles I dream of doing. I love to change my hair. And I do change it often. I like to. It is fun. After trying thing after thing, I have really learned what works for my hair and my face. There are always these certain styles that I would totally do if I could pull if off. but alas, I cannot, so I only dream of them. Let me share a few.

I am so not this cute. This haircut would make me look 500 million years older than I am. But it is so cute on her!

I know you all are like "What!? Grey hair!!" It kinda kicks butt. It really is awesome and I bet no one else purposely has it ;o) The haircut is super cute as well. I think I might try that one....again.

Dear Rihanna...your hair always rocks. I had my hair cut by a girl in Utah the had the side of her head shaved. But she has way longer hair than this. It was freaking awesome. But could I do it, nope! I would look like an idiot.

Mia Michaels. love it. I almost tried this cut, but then my sister photoshoped it onto my head and I decided it was a no go.

good choice huh!? LOL!

They grow to fast

2011-04-09T08:27:00.000-06:00

I was looking through some of my old pictures and I came across a few from last year when we first got Harley. He has always been such a great dog. He had been such a blessing for me and has really made things easier for me. I haven't felt as lonely. I am always amused by him. He is so stinking cute. He is huge! hold cow. 12-13 pds....way big for his breed. I bought this awesome hoodie for him when he was a baby. It was big on him and a thought he would grow into it.

Not grow out of it!! ha!

hilarious right? He was the best ever and literally stood there so I could take 10 pictures of this. :o)
Man this dog rocks!! :o)

Have you ever had??

2011-04-07T10:00:00.000-06:00

Have you ever had someone who supports you 100%? Someone who stands up for you? comforts you? surprises you when you have had rough time with flowers and candy? Have you ever had someone cry for you? love you unconditionally? Challenge you to be better? Watch your dog for you when you went out of town? Listened to all your drama? Laughed so hard with that you almost peed your pants? Have her scare the bejeezez out of you on video and not use it for blackmail? Someone who would die for you? who loves you so much that she would go through any pain so you wouldn't have to?

This person for me is my sister, my best friend, and honestly one of the best people I know.

Shannon, I love you. thank you for being everything to me and more. I couldn't live without you.

Fabric

2011-04-06T10:00:00.000-06:00

I have started to realize that I have been neglecting one of the best crafting materials in the world, FABRIC! I have been inspired by fabric lately. Maybe it is because I have been looking at this blog so often. One of my favorite people finally started this awesome blog. She knows what she is talking about when it comes to sewing, quilting, and fabric. Head on over there and take a look at her talent, you will be inspired too.

http://weddingdressblue.wordpress.com/

I am also searching relentlessly for a fabric store like this one that I used to go to in Utah. seriously the best fabrics in one place. Maybe that would be bad anyway cause I would want to spend all my money there.

And then there is this amazingness that makes me want to bust out the sewing machine this instant!

http://thedillspiel.blogspot.com/2011/02/project-run-and-play-finale-o-pop.html

oh geez! I have so much to learn. I better get going!

Just for us infertiles

2011-04-05T09:06:00.000-06:00

I was so grateful to read an article in the Ensign dedicated to Infertility. It was a great article and I am glad that it was addressed. The statistics in the article are real people! Thank you Ensign for this awesome article.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from a couple of the people they interviewed in the article.

“There’s nothing in the scriptures or anywhere in the gospel that teaches us to suffer in silence,” Curtis continues. “That’s a cultural thing. When you suffer in silence, you suffer more deeply. We went through periods where we were waiting for someone to take the first step to us. Be willing to approach others first. Share your story; you’ll find that others will often open up after that.”

I feel like this is so true. I have found so much joy in sharing my story with others. It has opened up many conversation and those conversations have guided me to much introspection. I am grateful for the people who strengthened me because of openness about the topic. It has been a blessing (and honestly sometimes a stress, but worth it I think)

“I think that was part of our learning process,” she continues. “I remember at one point telling Heavenly Father that we no longer knew what to pray for. We could pray for this to work or that to work, but mostly we just wanted to be ready for the blessings that Heavenly Father was ready to send us.”

I love love love this. I think this point is liberating. I hope that each person who battles with infertility reaches this point, where we are open to what the Lord wants for our lives and learn to let go of what we want. He knows best.

If you haven't read the article you can view it here:
http://lds.org/ensign/2011/04/faith-and-infertility?lang=eng

Best find in a long time

2011-04-04T10:00:00.001-06:00

The flee market here is Charleston is amazing. I go and find the greatest stuff. So a few weeks ago, Will and I went to look for projects I could do to decorate our apartment. Will ate boiled peanuts while we walked, which I used to think were super gross but he got the cajun flavored ones that were yumms. anywho.... I came across these puppies.

I know this just looks like an old crappy window. But I see an awesome treasure. In Utah people refinish these bad boys and sell them for $60+. I was offered 6 windows for $5 total! I only needed 2 so that is all I took. I refinished these bad boys like this......

Then I used fabric scraps, pictures, and some metal letters I have laying around and I made this.....

I really love spending my time creating things. It makes me feel so accomplished :o) Plus, it hardly cost me a thing. Yeah for cheap!!

Dear Facebook Friends

2011-04-03T18:33:00.000-06:00

Dear Facebook Friends,

I have come to a new crossroads in my life where I have had to re-evaulate my priorities and determine what is the most important to me. I think most of us have had that moment where we have had to look at our use of Facebook and decide what is best. I have decided that too much energy has been put toward things that are not my priorities and have taken away from the thing that matters most to me, my family. I am getting back to that now.

Because of this, I have chosen to make my personal Facebook account a very private and intimate group. It is not my intention to offend anyone be "defriending" them. If it is offensive, I apologize in advance.

Please feel free to follow my blog if you would like to see the good happenings in my world. If not that is fine too.

http://givingwhatiam.blogspot.com/

much love,
Kelly

whoa chick-a-dee!

2011-04-02T21:47:00.000-06:00

Whoa there chicks! I guess my last post ruffled some feathers. I didn't think it was that big of a deal but I guess everyone else did. Calm those feathers back down and realize I was simply just saying I care about YOUR life as well and your children. That is it, no special cryptic infertility message behind it. I promise.

Anywho....I would like to move on....

I am a sinner and I am going to the most awesome concert ever tomorrow. Just saying. It is going to rock!

This is where I will see my favorite band play for the 3rd time! H ya! I love Halestorm!

Just found out that some of our very best friends are moving into our apartment complex, just across the way. We are ready for the ultimate BBQ, sand volleyball, swimming pool, awesome hang out summer! Yes! I am really excited, can you tell? :o) anywho, I am going to bed to get my beauty sleep before rocking it out tomorrow! Yeah! Ok good night all.

A word of advice...

2011-03-27T20:56:00.000-06:00

Now, this is just my opinion so please just be aware you have the option to take it or leave it. My feelings aren't hurt either way.

Dear friends with babies, children, pregnancies...

I am very happy for your stage in life. It is beautiful. honestly, please celebrate it. But please also remember that there is more to you than just that. I would like to read your blog and hear how YOU are doing...not just your baby. What things have YOU done for YOUrself? What new book are you reading? Did you and your husband have a funny conversation worth sharing? Did you start a new hobby or make something cute? Please share because I seriously doubt that you have now lost your identity now that you are a mother. I really really doubt it.

Thanks.

hashtag lets talk infertility?

2011-03-24T17:08:00.000-06:00

I am going to do this. Twitter convo about infertility.

Get ready y'all. Get a twitter account. Its coming.

I really don't look like that

2011-03-23T16:33:00.000-06:00

So you know that cute awesome chick in my header. I really don't look like her. I just wish I looked like her. Ha!!

That is all ;o)

please excuse the dust

2011-03-20T15:23:00.001-06:00

so sorry about the renovations on my blog. Should have used a test blog to fix some things but its too late now, so please excuse my while I very frustratingly figure out out to do blog design.

xoxoxo

Holi

2011-03-19T06:55:00.000-06:00

Today the Bing opening page reminded me of Holi! Holi is a Hindu celebration to welcome spring. What better way then to throw around bright colored powder at each other? :O)

I went last year to the Hindu temple in Utah called Krishna Temple.

It was really freaking awesome. I didn't wear a mask and I was blowing out purple boogers for days. Totally worth it!

I really think you all should go and enjoy. It is the fun, unique, and awesome! It is in Spanish Fork, UT next weekend. Get there early, the parking is out of control!
Go here for the info

I wish I were there this year!

"I know! I've seen Big Love!"

2011-03-11T07:19:00.000-07:00

So, there has been this joke at my work. When people find out I am Mormon, they sometimes say, "Oh ok, I've seen Big Love."

I laugh every time. Oh man! It is funny. I have to go into an explanation that The LDS Church/Mormons don't practice Polygamy. I promise, Big Love is not a representation of how we live and what we believe.

There is a new show that is in its second season called Sister Wives.

It is a real family that really practice polygamy, albeit coached by the network for "good tv." This show is going to open up a totally new misconception of real true blue Latter Day Saint Mormons.

Can I just say that this......

is what a real Mormon family looks like. 1 mom and 1 dad have children....the children grow older and have children of their own...and so on and so on. No extra wives are added. This is my family, missing a few. This is what a Mormon family looks like. One with different shapes, sizes. Filled with good times and bad times, drama, love, and fun. Just like any other normal family in America.

Beautiful isn't it. So, thanks Big Love and Sister Wives for making think this unit looks any different than the beauty it is. Lame o's!

Why not spoil it?

2011-03-08T06:17:00.000-07:00

I am a reality TV junkie. It is kinda embarrassing actually. My favorite is the Jersey shows. Man! Jersey people know their drama! I know it is an epic waist of time, but hey, it is hard to pull your eyes from a train wreck right?

So, every season I watch the bachelor/bachelorette. I seriously have enough to worry about in my life than to have any real emotion about who the last person chosen is. So, I admit it, I read the spoilers! Yep, then I know up front and there is no anticipation involved. I like it that way.

The last 2 seasons of the show I have read spoilers and the last choice has been spoiled wrong. Now, most crazy die hards would be annoyed. Not me! I think it is hysterical. Really, I laughed and laughed this morning. It is like drama within drama, and that crap is entertaining. I not only got to watch the show, I got a little side show. Thanks Reality Steve!

And thanks to Brad Womack for being really hot and also using certain words entirely too much....like badly.....and this woman.....and there are more I can't remember.

to stache or not to stache, that is the question

2011-03-05T10:00:00.002-07:00

I love mustaches! Have any of you noticed they are popular and really funny at the same time. I think so. This is also my ode to mustache march! I mean awesome! All the gents get to put on there nice staches and us ladies are left in the dust. Here are some awesome ways to get your stache on!

Mustache March! Mustache March! Yeah! Mustache March!

BUY IT HERE

I shall spit on you!

2011-03-04T16:45:00.000-07:00

That is what the Drama Llama said to me today. Seriously, draaaaamma! I am not sure why the drama llama likes hanging out by me but I am done with its nasty spit. Actually, the crap that I expereince kills the drama llama.

I am over it. I really don't like drama. It sucks! I declare my life a drama free zone!! There, It is declared, no drama! Who wants to join!? ;o)

It rains!!

2011-03-03T06:42:00.000-07:00

So lets get going on this new me thing. I thought I would lighten the mood a bit by sharing one of my coolest finds lately.

Many of you know, or maybe don't, I am really great at finding things online. Places to eat, things to do, great blogs etc etc...

I came across these beauties about 6 months ago when I moved to Charleston.

Buy these beauties here

Aren't they awesome! They are rain boots! It rains here so often and I bought these to trudge around in the rain. Sadly, they were sent to a different address and I didn't get them till this weekend.

I love them! Don't you?

One foot in and one foot out

2011-03-02T19:23:00.000-07:00

The last six months of my life has been really odd. I mean I have not even understood what I have been feeling let alone fixing it. I just know it has bee broken.

I think I figured it out. I have one foot in and one foot out. I thought I had fully committed to the new life I have chosen. This weekend I realized I haven't.

I went to Utah this weekend. It was a fast decision and the trip was a whirl whin. I went and spent time with my mom and my best friend. Mostly, I spent time going through the last 7 years of belongings my husband and I have accumulated. I saw our past intertwined in all of our belongings. I almost couldn't do it, get rid of it all. Then I had a very real conversation with Will. This is when I finally got it.

One foot in and one foot out. One foot in South Carolina and one it Utah.

Now it is over, I gave almost all of it away. The last 7 years of stuff. I have to repeat, it is just things, just things.

I am going to commit to my decision to be here is Charleston. I am going to remind myslef everyday that my home is found wherever Will is. I will remember that things don't make a life love does.

Be ready for some major Kelly revamping, which means blog revamping. This blog is called 'Giving What I Am' afterall. There is more to me than I have on this blog at this moment. Parts of me are missing, the creative me, the inspired me, the friend, daughter, sister, wife, the political me, the pop culture me. You are going to see sides of me you have never seen before.

this is me recommitting to me and I will stop now being a victim of everything. I will move on to a life that will ultimately be the best for me, filled with the people, places, and things that matter the most. I am kinda stoked about it actually.

Heart

2011-02-19T17:34:00.001-07:00

I have been scowering the internet for some awesomeness. I came across The Graphic Fairy

These are amazing, i mean really. I think I will share my finds as I go along. How does that sound?

admittance

2011-02-08T07:28:00.000-07:00

admittance. Is that a word? Well, I am using it anyway. what am I talking about? let me explain...

I am on a journey of sorts. I have realized so much in the last six months. I realized that I am truly unhappy. I was unhappy in Utah and I am unhappy in South Carolina. My disposition has really not changed for years. I have always thought that certain things would change that like the people I am around, the location I am in, the balance in my bank account, and so on. Loosing everything and starting over has shown me that I have been avoiding why I am really not happy. I am not happy because of me. ME.

Now, don't take this admission as totally bleak. It isn't. don't everyone get all worried and leave messages on my phone to ensure I am I fine. I am. There is a silver lining here. A very awesome silver lining. One where I can move on and learn and grow.

I have been reading a great book. It is called, "The 7: Seven wonders that will change your life." It is written by Glenn Beck and Keith Ablow. I am usually not a fan of Glenn Beck. Reason being, he is too extreme for my liking. He has certain opinions that I don't and certain opinions that I do. However, my husband likes him. One day I came across his new book and stopped in my tracks. This isn't a book about politics. It is about changing your life. I took a chance on it and bought it.

This book is amazing. It has some passages about admittance that I want to share with you.

Glenn....
"By the way, I have learned that self-disclosure is one of the best antidotes to self-hatred that you will ever find. And it's also one of the best ways to reach out to anyone who feels alone with their suffering. When you finally forgive yourself for being fallible and fragile -for being human- you can start forging ahead. Not until then.
God's love is there for us each and every day, but it's easy to walk right by it. In fact, as long as you keep hiding parts of yourself, it's basically assured that you'll walk by it."

The next quote is referring to truth and how to not have untruths poison your soul.
Keith...
"How can you do this? The answer is by unearthing the chapters of your life story that you once burried, thinking they were just too painful to ever reread. Those are the ones that contain runaway, misinterpreted, toxic messages and themes from childhood or young adulthood of just a few years ago that are sapping your potential..

Then he explains something quite amazing....
Keith...
"I call this the spiritual alchemy The Pain to Power Principle. When we finally stop denying the traumas and trials we have lived and instead resolve to learn everything we can from them, then they are inevitably turned into the power of self-determination, self-esteem, and self-expression....Marry faith and courage with the truth, and you create something that is far more them the sum of its parts- you unleash an energy, an extraordinary momentum that is as powerful as it is inexplicable.
Avoid the truth, and you instead invite stagnation and suffering."

These two men make so much sense to me. I have never seen my situation in this light before. In a way that it feels possible to change. I have always determined there was nothing I could do. But there is and I will go and do.

One of my biggest struggles

2011-02-01T07:46:00.000-07:00

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us"
~ Joseph Campbell

I came across this quote yesterday as I was searching online. I feel like it was meant for me. I have struggled with this problem my whole life. You know, the letting go of my plans part.

When I was young, I dreamed of a life that was very different than the one I live. I planned for my family to live on the same street, for all of us to get married and have kids that were best friends, and to have friendships that were never separated by life and pride. I dreamed of my marriage being perfect. The whole picket fence idea. I have held on to this plan for so long.

Not any part of it has really come to fruition. Letting go of this plan has been one of my biggest struggles. I have to consciously try to be more realistic in my expectations of life and relationships. Holding on to this dream has held me back from the loving the life I have now. The one with very supportive family members who love me. The one with the husband that may not be perfect but does everything he knows how to make me happy. My friends that I always share good times with. There is no picket fence but a red doored apartment that we can afford instead of the house we couldn't afford in Utah. I have a great dog who honestly doesn't really need Cesar Millan like I say he does. I have great co workers and friends. I get to be close to my sister for a short while. I live by the ocean for heavens sakes! In one of the most historic, beautiful cities in the US.

I am working on this life, the one I am actually living. Not the fantacy, the reality. I feel more blessed. Grateful for taking risks that will change my life and help me grow into the person I want to be.

On a happier note....

2011-01-30T17:44:00.000-07:00

I just bought this book....

How to survive a shark attack on land By Dr. Laura Schlessinger

I need it..Geez.

I really love my ereader BTW. It is awesome. anyone else have one so we can share books? Yes Please!

Harley loves the dog park.

I think Stacey's Pita Chips are delicious.

Today was 70 degrees and I loved it.

:O)

On a happier note ;o)

It makes me sick

2011-01-30T09:00:00.000-07:00

So, this morning I felt sick to my stomach. Why? Well, because I am trying as hard as I can to protect myself from people I do not trust without giving up this blog. I finally feel that I can let my guard down a bit and then I realize that was not wise. The second I relaxed a bit, the snakes came out again.

For some reason I have to very avid stalkers. These two girls look at my blog daily. One of them multiple times a day. Why do I care? Here is why....#1 they look at everything. Not just what I say but what you say. They look at my friends profiles. They look at my sisters baby pictures. They look at archives from last year. They look at comments, posts, links, you name it. #2....They leave to my Twitter account to look at my information there. The only saving grace is my protection on Facebook. But even that...one of them unblocked me....I blocked her as soon as I knew.

I don't understand it. I have ZERO desire to daily immerse myself in their online information.

My words to them....
Please stop. Move on. If you are interested, fine. But everyday, sometimes multiple times a day? It is scary. Really. Please let me have my online world without your constant obsessive eye watching. It is creepy.

My words to everyone else...
Please take the precautions to protect your life. If you find joy in blogging, don't stop, just find the tools to protect you from online predators and people who obsess with your posts. Block people you don't trust. Block them from Facebook, Twitter, and your blog. Not just defriend...BLOCK. Be aware of who is looking at your life. If you need help doing this, let me know and I will help you set up the tools you need.

It is crazy how someones stalking can make you sick from two girls who live across the country.

Happy Birthday To Me!

2011-01-29T10:00:00.000-07:00

Yeah! It is my Birthday!! As a tribute to all things me ;o) I want to share some things I am loving as of late.

Heeheee...Happy Birthday me :o)

A couple of emotional insights

2011-01-25T09:06:00.000-07:00

Today I feel like expressing some emotional topics I have been thinking about. Since Police Caller 2010, I have been protective about what I say online about my very personal feelings. I will continue to do so. I have to. I have been forced to by others who have hurt me. That is how life goes. We live and we learn. We learn who we can trust and who we can't. Luckily I know who those people are now that the storm of 2010 is over. I preface this so that you know I will only share a piece of what I relly feel about these topics. If you want to engage in any deeper level, let me know and I will chat with people on a one to one basis.

First and foremost, today I am devestated. Why? because I just found out that one of the people I love is going through some of the things that I have gone through. The hard stuff. The emotional stuff. I cried this morning for her. I wish that I could protect her from what she is feeling or is going to feel or has felt. Mt heart is broken for her. I think that there are people in your life who you will always hold in a high regaurd. She is one of mine. To see her experience any soft of loss is devestating to me.

Secondly, forgiveness... What does it mean to forgive someone? Does it mean that you allow tiny doors to open where you could possibly get hurt again? No. You don't. I think I am at the place where I have forgiven another and also accepted and forgiven myself for what I did wrong. But forgiveness does not equal trust. I forgive you but I don't trust you. So for that, I will protect myself in any way I know how. I care enough about myself to do so.

I look back over the last 10 years of my life and I see so much. Things that I don't think anyone should have to experience on a constant basis. I have seen the people who have been there and those who have not. I am saddened by the ones who have not. I am also immensely blessed by the ones who have. That is the part I hope to remember. the ones who have been there.

Lastly, I still hope with the deepest part of my heart that by being myself and sharing my life will help someone who needed a friend when things were hard. That is why I am still here. cause believe me, I had enough happen last year to take down shop for eternity and beyond. But the email from someone inspired by my story, an opportunity to share with the masses, and those friends who follow and care, keep me here. Keep me writing. It is worth it because of them. and you.

Belated....The Barrel

2011-01-24T16:20:00.000-07:00

This is very belated but because we have not had the internet. I have not gotten to it. I am getting to it.

There is this great magazine. It is all digital. It is call "The Barrel" It is a blogging magazine. It has great articles. Especially when I am featured ;o)

I was honored to have my story in a 4 page spread of this wonderful online magazine. I am grateful for the opportunity to share my story with more people. To raise awareness about infertility and hopefully let others out there know that they are not alone in their journey.

Check out all of the issues @ http://thebarrelblogreviews.wordpress.com/

and don't forget to read my article in the January edition.

Getting some nook-e

2011-01-23T14:19:00.000-07:00

So, just so you all know....it is my birthday this coming Saturday. (I will take best wishes in the form of gifts :o) jk) I will be the big fat 26. Suck fest. The other half of my 20's. I just need to get used to it, it is just going to get worse and worse.

So, this year I pooled all my birthday money together and I got a Nook color. Yipee!! I love it. I can get online, it will have the Android market in a few weeks, plus I can finally read my books in bed without disturbing my hubby with a light blaring into his eyes. I heart it.

For those of you either hiding under a rock or who are techno tards, a Nook color is an e-reader, which means I can downlaod and read books, magazines, and newspapers electronically. The Nook color is full color and is all also back lit. No book light for this e-reader. You can get wifi and get online to check facebook or whatever else floats your boat. In a few more weeks android applications will be available by updating.

Who needs an Ipad! :o)

Hi! I am alive....barely

2011-01-21T16:21:00.000-07:00

Yes!! I used Barely correctly! Just so all you Utah peeps know. Most of you use barely incorrectly. Didn't know that till I got here. Ha!

So do you want an update? ok....

Number one. We are in our apartment. I am officially a resident of South Carolina with my new drivers license and Palmetto State plates. Bitter sweet.....bitter sweet.

Our house in Utah.......
We have lost it. Yep, I will put it out there. We can't afford living expenses in 2 states and the stupid bank wouldn't accept the 2 OFFERS!! we had on the house. So they are taking it. My feelings on this....Good riddance! I have done EVERYTHING I possibly can to make it not happen this way, but it is what it is. And it is over. Thank heavens! Don't judge unless you have been in my shoes. Thanks.

Work/school..
school is on hold. I can't even think about it right now. Life is too busy. I am trying to decide what Bachelors degree I want, Graphic Design....Teaching.....Graphic Design.....Teaching. Not sure. Good thing I don't have to make that choice right now. I am working a ridiculous amount. Soon I will be doing hair again. I look forward to it with open arms. I am in a great salon with many learning opportunities and I am excited to better myself as a stylist. Until then I will try to not be too good at my job at the front desk so I don't get stuck up there forever ;o)

Baby...
baby? what? baby? what's that? oh ya! We still don't have a baby? Shocker. When all of our Utah loose ends are tied up, maybe we will get an infertility consult again. My sister is pregnant though!! I love being here for that. She is so excited and so am I. I am just sad she will probably be shipped out by the navy before I get to spend much time with my new nephew/niece. Stupid Navy. She is 14 weeks and she just (barely) haha... had an ultrasound where the baby hiccuped. Cutie tootie! She is having a 3d ultrasound soon and she is getting video. I will share it when she has it done. Maybe I should have her guest blog again....hmmm.

Well, there you go. That is what has been going on. I have the internet now so you will here from me more. My life is finally starting to settle a bit. woohoo!!

finally seeing the light

2011-01-03T16:22:00.001-07:00

I am feeling relief from everything. I went to church yesterday for the first time since we got here. I know I know.... but I realized that it is what helps me find relief from my anxiety.

I mean I really get anxiety. Physical anxiety that I can't seem to calm. It feels like my chest is being crushed and I almost can't breathe. I have always had it. It is because, in the words of my smart sister, I "immediately respond emotionally" I was taught that response at a very young age.

Now as an adult I really struggle with how to control if not change it. Prayer relieves it. So does Scripture study. I had forgotten that. I am grateful for the reminder.

I feel so refreshed with the new year and I am learning to let go of my comfortable past and find a new better future not reliant on comfort but independence. I feel good.

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i won't miss it

2011-01-01T06:11:00.001-07:00

2010 that is.

Goodbye to the shit fest of...
Police caller
Mean commenter
Fish face
Driving cross country twice
Frustration and anxiety

Hello to...
A new adventure
A new apartment
And my better half turning 30 yeah!

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Starbucks language

2010-12-28T06:58:00.001-07:00

So, I am blogging from my phone which isn't the easiest way so bear with me. My spelling might be worse... if that is possible.

Since I have been here, I have started to understand the whole Starbucks thing. In Utah, Starbucks open then close soon after. Why? Because there aren't enough people who drink coffee to justify a Starbucks. Here it is different. Starbucks are not just justified, they are in high demand. I have witnessed this. I work right next door to one. I even go there often although I only have 2 ordering options on the menu. Caramel apple spice and the hot chocolate.

Something I have noticed while waiting for my hot chocolate is that Starbucks has its own language. One that really make zero sense to me. Non fat whip whip extra hot upsidedown machiato no foam 2 shots. What does it all mean? Okay okay so sometimes it makes sense when they shout out an order. Other times I am like what? Huh? Like the other day, a lady in front of me had an upsidedown caramel machiato. What does that mean? What the h is machiato anyway?

Needless to say I am lost when ordering at Starbucks. Everytime I go in I ask if Grande means medium. Cause really the tall is not tall and Grande(which means large ) is not large. The only thing that fits sorta is venti which I believe means 20 ans maybe the Starbucks venti has 20 ounces.

Well I will just keep traveling to the foriegn land of Starbucks and get giggled at by my silly questions. The Carmel apple spice is worth it :0)

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Where have I been?

2010-12-14T08:26:00.000-07:00

This is where I have been....

Its a long story...

I love black....

2010-12-02T08:27:00.001-07:00

....Black friday that is. This year was fantabulous! I mean really!

This year I went with Helen (Will's mom) and Sarah (my sister in-law) We literally pulled an all nighter which I think most black friday crazies do nowadays.

Old Navy at midnight, Walmart at 12:30, WAFFLE HIZOUSSSE, the Target. It was nuts.
Image by mikeg626 via Flickr
Old Navy..... We stood in line here because they were giving away Dance Central for the Kinect (if you don't know what that is, #1 getwithit #2 go here) they were giving out wrist bands to the first 100ish people. Then....4 teenagers had a death wish and they tried to be the first in line by making a line on the other side of the door. After them thinking they had won for about a half hour, I finally was the only person that said something. The conversation went like this....

Me - "The end of the line is back there, I just wanted to make sure you knew that."

Entitled teens - "We are just standing here. Just hanging out."

Me - "No you are not. We both know that."

Entitled teens - " Why do you care? (looking at the crowd) you are all like 30 years old."

Me - "Okay like that has anything to do with it."

Entitled teens - "Shut the *%#@ up. Why do you care?"

Me - "Wow, well I wasn't trying to start a fight but, there are about 100 people behind me who want to kick your ass right now. I am just sayin. You can stand there if you want but it is not very smart."

I went back to my place in line and about 5 minutes later they left and flipped me off on the way. I just blew them kisses. I am a lover not a fighter you see. Ha!

Image by Getty Images via @daylifeWalmart......

We went here cause they had 2 openings. One at midnight for some things then one at 5AM for electronics. Smart and Stupid way to do it. Smart to reduce crowds so people don't get trampled although that happens every year anyway, at only Walmart for some reason. Stupid because they had to block off the other deals and the other deals were right in the way. Not a great use of space. Needless to say I got many DVD's for $2, so I say it was a victory.

Image via WikipediaTarget......
They are friggen organized! I love it! They gave us maps and had a guy with a big map explain where to check out. The only thing about Target is that you have these people on the other side of the road from the line. They stand there and wait for the doors to open then they just hop in line. Not this target my friends! They had security and the line was kind roped off. It was awesome! No line butters! We were in and out and on our way in 15 minutes. Target was also victory.

We then slept for hours. All worth it!

An experience like no other.

2010-11-28T15:37:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, Will and I went to a concert that I really loved. We saw Shinedown. They did an acoustic concert at Charleston Music Hall. This is the way to experience a concert! We sat most of the time and it was a very chill event. I was not deaf when I left bacause it was more about the singing than the music itself.

I have been thinking so much about this concert. The reason being that he was able to give more details about his songs because of the low key environment and audience. Most of his songs hit me and make me think, like "45", "Call Me", and "If you only knew" But the song that hit me the most (and honestly made me cry when he spoke of it) is "Crow chasing the butterfly" It is about losing a child. He explained how often people think the child is the butterfly when actually the mother is the butterfly.

Infertility is like losing a child over and over, sometimes even literally. Although this video is dark and very unique, it is what infertility feels like to me, a prison. please watch it and note that you can interpret it any way you chose, as did I.

I think it is worth the thought. Worth the time. Take it for what its worth. Think about it. Let me know how you feel about it all. Or what you don't feel. It is worth the thought.

One of those times

2010-11-23T07:24:00.001-07:00

Have you ever had one of those times where you just alomost reached your breaking point. Where you feel like slowly every little is falling to pieces? Like everyday it gets worse and worse. Usually....

this is me ----------------------------------------------------------------> here is the point I can reach

Now....
this is me---> here is the point I can reach

I feel bombarded, bombarded with everything. Money, work, apartment, my marriage, my fiendships, baby fears, training Harley. For once the only thing I am not bombarded by is my family. Where did those people go? I guess more of the question would be where did I go?

I think that everyone's patients with me is done. I just feel alone and bombarded right now, quite an odd mix.

I am super depressing right now. There are these moments ya know, where everthing feels like it has fallen out of the bottom. I guess one of the best lessons I have learned though is tha it doesn't always feel like that way. There is a point where it gets better. I hope that is this weekend when we go to Georgia to visit Will's family for the holidays. Maybe it is when we finally get in our appartment in December. Who knows where thing will turn up, but I know they will.

For now I will just dangle on the edge of the point I can reach and smile and nod and keep pushing. Becuase really, what other option do I have?

slump

2010-11-16T06:44:00.000-07:00

It happens to the best of us....we all get in blog slupms. I have times where I feel I don't have anything to say. It is usually for one of two reasons. one..I am in a bit of depression. Or two, things are going so well that I have nothing to say.

I think this last week it has been number one. I have been thinking much about pregnancy (an entirely different post in itself) I have been thinking about my fears and why I keep holding back from getting back on horse. Also, Will and I are in a weird place right now. Not sure what to think about that. It isn't anything that a weekend alone wouldn't fix. I am also missing space. And my stuff that is still in Utah.

anywho....There is always something that kicks me out of one of these slumps. I get a comment from one of you! I had one in my inbox this morning. A comment from a new friend who was actually reffered to my blog by someone I literally haven't talked to since high school. #1 this made me feel good because the person from high school has read my blog and cares enough to refer it to a friend. And #2 because I have someone new to share my little world with.

There are times that I second guess how vocal I am about my life and about infertility and adoption. Then someone flies in to my rescue and reminds me why I do it. I somewhat do this for me, I mean there is personal satisfaction in it. But the main reason I do this is for you. Helping someone not feel alone in it all. I mean, that is my point and reason for doing this. So, that others don't feel alone or unheard. That makes all the work I put into it worth it. You make it worth it.

So thank you to all of you. For listening to my voice through this blog. For having a high enough opinion of me to refer a friend. For letting me be there for you. And most of all for being here for me. It makes it easier to get out of the slumps :o) so I can feel like this......

Excited to say.....

2010-11-11T07:35:00.001-07:00

My sister it Pregnant!!

Yeah for Invitro!

Intorducing......

2010-11-08T07:06:00.001-07:00

My new design business!!
Remember how I told you all that I was going to change the name of my business and start all over after that whole crazy police caller debockle? Here it is!! The new and improved design work by Kelly! I have worked hours and hours on this new look and my new Christmas designs. It is fitting isn't it, a brand new look for a brand new me!
Please take some time today and look at my shop on Etsy. I am on Facebook too!! Please tell your friends and family. Plus I have LOWER PRICES this year!!

Photo editing $5/per picture

Any Card Template $5

Custom Card Design $10

Card Printing (includes cost of design)

$20 for 4x8 prints with envelopes

$20 for 5x5 prints with envelopes

$25 for 5x7 prints with envelopes

Shipping for all card prints $4.00

These templates are available for purchase for $5!! Or you can have them printed. Prices above.

Thanks everyone for your support and love! Please head on over to bubblyinkpress.blogspot.com and follow my design blog!

Just a side note.... Remember that taking an image from someone's website without their permission is stealing. Please do not use any piece of my designs and claim them as your own. Thanks so much.

The Ups and Downs of having a blog

2010-11-07T07:28:00.000-07:00

I use this blog to talk about anything and everything. I have never been a private person. My husband has to teach me about this everyday. I am not sure how I got this way, cause my parents aren't this bad. I just think I taught myself to make my own spin on it.

I feel okay with talking about my life to people. Even people I barely know. It stems back to the fact that I am easily trusting.

I have learned to share less, especially from all the happenings of this last year. Where, sadly, I was taught that there are people around my I can't trust and am not even privy to know who they are. It is scary almost to look around you and wonder if the person standing next to you is shaking your hand with one hand and stabbing you in the back with the other.

Everyone who writes a blog that has a bit of a following knows that there are things they hate and things they love. There is always going to be someone who does not agree with you. Hopefully, the disagreeing person just stops following your blog, but many times it is in the form of a comment. Being personally attacked about your opinion or feelings never feels good.

Those are the downs of blogging. Loosing friends because you say how you feel. I guess everyone is not going to like your opinion and that is okay, maybe they weren't really your true friend anyway.

The ups of blogging is also the people. It is funny how the thing that causes the downs, can also cause the ups.

There are 2 types of friends that contribute to these ups. I have friends that follow and comment on my blog, who I actually know and love. They are friends with me outside this online world. They support me by reading and responding. They are constant and really the nicest people I have met. They listen to my voice that I so publicly use and they encourage that voice.

The other ups are the people you never met before who leave a comment and they tell you have they are inspired by you or your story. One of my top read pages is my story (although it needs to be updated) I get many comments on that blog post from people I have never met who go though the same stuff. They inspire me with the comments and I hopefully inspire them through my blogging.

The main thing that I have learned is that not everyone is going to life me or what I have to say. This is true for EVERYONE, I thought it was just me for awhile. But whether or not people like it, I should still say it. This life is not about always making every single person happy. My story and my openness about it will "insult" some people. But I have learned that for every singular insult there are three others inspired. This makes it worth it in the end, it makes it possible to keep sharing my life with all of you. To raise awareness about things that people are too uncomfortable talking about.

Infertility Depression

2010-11-04T22:06:00.001-06:00

Lately I have been reading so many posts about infertility depression. I have just been surfing around and stuff, ya know just blog hopping. I have thought much about my place in the infertility depression journey.

I just don't feel as intense as I used to. It shows in my blog numbers :0) Admit it! You all love drama and craziness, that shit is entertaining! Ha I am kidding...kinda.

I remember a time when the sorrow from infertility consumed my life. It was hard and painful. Really, my desire to become a mom and have kids with my husband is not different. I still want that more than anything. But now I feel less hurt by it. I feel more content with planning my future without a baby. I used to not make plans at all cause "what if we have a baby?"

Many of the posts I have read lately are familiar to what I felt not to long ago. I want every one of my infertility friends to feel as I do right now. I pray every night that they will. And if they don't that they will get there.

I just feel okay without the restraint of treatments, without the restraint of adoption drama, without the restraint of the depression. I just feel okay with living with my husband and seeing my past, present, and future as a gift.

I read a sign for a church on my way home from work tonight. It said this...

"Your past is not your potential."

I loved it. It is so true. The things that hurt us, won't forever. The place I was a year ago is not today (thank heavens) The mistakes I have made don't determine the rest of my life. My infertility depression isn't always my future.

I know that my infertility depression will go in waves. I know that the scars from loss will never be erased from who I am, unfortunately. I wish I could forever let go of the loss of my 2 babies. The loss of the failed adoption placements. The loss of knowing that I can't carry my own baby. Those losses would be awesome to erase, but that will never happen. But I do know that it doesn't have to be my tomorrow. It can be my yesterday, which is the best place it can stay...in the past.

Mostly, I am just happy that I have gotten this chance to start over. I got to leave Utah, which has needed to happen for so long. I have had the opportunity to find friends that are great people and not abusive. I have been able to understand my familial relationships and realize that no matter how much I deny it, I am a mamas girl. I have learned about new ways of life, other religions, southern culture, and most of all I have learned much about independence. I am grateful and proud of this part of my life.

Hopefully I don't publish this email and then get a bout of the infertility downers. ha!!

My Adoption Post

2010-11-01T07:54:00.003-06:00

I have a post on MMB today :o)
Go Here

Hoping for a lil goul and a lil monster

2010-10-31T12:06:00.000-06:00

My sister had her transfer yesterday. If you are not familiar with IVF terms that means she had the lil babies put in her tummy. There were two great embryos! BOy and a Girl! Boy and a girl!! That is what I am hoping for. Twins! Please pray a little bit longer tonight for my sister. She deserves to be a mother and I would be the most proud auntie in the world!

Science is so amazing! This will change our family forever! Thank heavens for scientific inspiration! It makes it possible to bring more spirits into this world that wouldn't have 30 years ago. What a blessing!

Stick babies! Stick babies! Stick!!

I miss Utah today

2010-10-29T15:56:00.000-06:00

I don't know what it is but today I miss the comfort and security of Utah. Maybe it because it is Halloween weekend and we literally don't have anything planned. It is a friend holiday and we don't have any hang out on weekends friends yet. Just not to that stage yet.

Maybe I miss this.....

Park City in the fall. I miss Park City in the fall!!

I miss the comfort of knowing where I am going. I am getting how to drive here but it is taking time. I miss my friends. This chick......

and these people......

I really really miss these people.....

I just miss Utah today. <3 <3

You know your in trouble when.....

2010-10-27T17:12:00.000-06:00

You know more than your doctor! Yep that totally happened today.

I have been so excited to go to the doctor here and get everything under control again and get some prescription refills. I show up at this clinic and I wait forever, which is frustrating.

The doctor finally comes in. He is an Internal Medicine doctor. He is supposed to know general medicine and be able to prescribe really, any meds that I need.

Maybe I was pampered in Utah but my Internal Medicine doctor was fabulous and took care of everything medication and blood wise for me. (Dr Mansfield @ McKay Dee Hospital) I am missing him terribly right now.

The doctor I saw today tells me that he will not even consult with me on PCOS cause he knows nothing about it. Then, after he told me he knows nothing about it, he tells me that I should not be treating PCOS with Metformin. I was thinking, "ARE YOU A FRIGGIN TARD!!" You don't know CRAP about it. Metformin is the leading treatment for women with PCOS. What an idiot. I was so frustrated. Then he tells me that he doesn't want to do any work and he will just go off what my last doctor did cause, in his exact words, "Why do any work when it is already been done." WHAT!?

http://women.webmd.com/metformin-glucophage-for-polycystic-ovary-syndrome

Needless to say I am searching for a new Internist in the Charleston area. Let me know if you know anyone good :o)

Facebook and Infertility

2010-10-25T20:08:00.001-06:00

A dear friend(Nancy) of mine sent me this link today on Facebook. Please go read it before you move on with my post.

Let me address some of the things in the article.

1. blocking is a great tool to eliminate the hurt from seeing others have what you want so badly.

2. Remember that we want the freedom to talk about infertility and we want people to understand that, it also mean that the pregnant chick has the same right.

3. If you are close with someone infertile, THE MOST INSENSITIVE WAY TO TELL THEM YOU ARE PREGNANT IS THROUGH ANY TYPE OF SOCIAL MEDIA. Using the excuse that you didn't want to hurt their feelings is stupid, cause you obviously didn't prevent that with your announcement on Facebook, or blog, or twitter, or email, or text. Just call, okay. In person is even better.

4. Remember that infertility doesn't define every part of who we are and how we think. I know that sometimes it feels that way. I catch myself doing it often. Look at your facebook as a way to destress from infertility, not stress about it. If that is not happening, I would rethink having an account.

Great article though! Thanks Nancy!

Yoda Jo

2010-10-25T09:00:00.001-06:00

Harley as Yoda Jo!

He is entered into a contest! Please go vote for him!! I will love you forever!!

CLICK HERE!!

festivities

2010-10-24T15:31:00.000-06:00

Did you notice I changed my blog? I am going to be festive this year. :o) Happiness :o)

I have been super busy and stressed but I have also had some good times in Charleston since we have been here. Here are a few pictures from our fun times.

my post

2010-10-21T19:44:00.000-06:00

I was on MMB today!!

Check it out...
http://mormonmommyblogs.blogspot.com/2010/10/in-vitro-beyond-test-tube.html

feeling uhhh i dunno

2010-10-21T08:10:00.000-06:00

I am sorry everyone for not posting. I have been super busy.

We did get an offer on our house. this should be good news, but I am not sure it is for me. I will not give details, but let me just say that America First is not easy to work with. We are going to have a large payment every month that we weren't planning on. I guess they think it is my fault that the real estate market sucks. No, I get it really. My debt, my payment. Whatever.

Here is the thing. It is not that we have another payment, it is the fact that now we can't have a baby. again. It has been almost 2 years since my last miscarriage. We have not really tried since then. No clomid. nothing. I was so excited to move here. As I have said before, I was going to start at South Eastern Infertility at the beginning of next year. This added payment prevents us from doing so. You see, South eastern in expensive. It is for a reason. They get people babies.

Can I just say that my heart is broken a bit right now. I have to wait more years on top of my six years. I am really sad about it.

That is why I have been absent.

Thank you cards #4 (IVF Edition)

2010-10-20T19:32:00.000-06:00

My sister is hysterical and I am too stressed to write so I will refer you over to her.

http://www.timandshan.blogspot.com/

Thanks

Let me be clear...

2010-10-11T10:37:00.002-06:00

There has been an amazing ammount of debate whirling around. This is simply my peice.

Religiously

Definition of TENDENCY
ten·den·cy noun \ˈten-dən(t)-sē\
plural ten·den·cies
a : direction or approach toward a place, object, effect, or limit
b : a proneness to a particular kind of thought or action

Definition of ACTION
ac·tion noun \ˈak-shən\
4: an act of will

If my opinion is not clear, then research for yourself the difference between the 2. This is my religious standpoint. The tendency is not the problem, the action is.

Politically
My favorite forefather said it better than I....

"All, too, will bear in mind this sacred principle, that though the will of the majority is in all cases to prevail, that will to be rightful must be reasonable; that the minority possess their equal rights, which equal law must protect, and to violate would be oppression."

"We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."
(FYI....un·al·ien·a·ble, adj., Not to be separated, given away, or taken away)(Literally meaning that rights cannot be separated, given away, or taken away)

"Rightful liberty is unobstructed action according to our will within limits drawn around us by the equal rights of others. I do not add 'within the limits of the law' because law is often but the tyrant's will, and always so when it violates the rights of the individual."

All quotes from Thomas Jefferson

Simple. Straightforward. There it is.

The Birds and the Bees.......

2010-10-09T15:52:00.000-06:00

Can't have babies either! Ha!

Queen of the castle

2010-10-08T10:03:00.000-06:00

I have been living with my awesome sister and her husband for the time we have been in Charleston. I am so grateful for their kindness because without it, being here wouldn't even be possible.

Now, after that being said, lets talk about queen of the castle. I believe everyone goes through this. When you get married and start a life with your husband, you become the queen of that unit, thus becoming the queen of your castle. I am not in my own castle.

Harley, had potty problems and it really was the straw that broke the camels back. I cried like a 5 year old that wanted some candy and the grocery store. It had nothing to do with my sister. I just want to have my own space with my own stuff with my own servants ;o) ha.

I need to find something to relieve the stress of the day and chill. I can't do that for some reason. I don't know how to. I have never had to. Any ideas?

I am mormon! Let me explain....

2010-10-06T21:18:00.000-06:00

Since I have been here, I have experienced new things when it comes to religion. Let me explain.

In Utah, religion is very assumed. If someone is unclear, the question goes like this, "Are you a member." Member of what? That is how concentrated religion is there.

Here there are many religions and not one in specific. If it were, it definitely wouldn't be LDS. The question has come up. Followed by some of the most awkward silence of my life.

I wanted to make some clarification. I know that most of my readers are LDS, but it never hurts to clarify.

polygamy.......does not equal mormon. This is the most common misconception. We do not practice or condone polygamy.

We are not a cult. Usually people assume this because they do not know why we do not talk about what happens in temples. Let me tell you why we don't talk about it. We make commitments to God in the temple. They are personal and private, thus making them sacred to us. They are between the person and the Lord. Nothing cultish happens in the temple.

We are normal people. We are not Amish. We have normal and regular lives and more then likely are very similar to yours.

We do not drink alcohol, coffee, or tea. Why? We are advised not to. For me it is as simple as that. In other faiths, leaders ask to abstain from specific things. It is the same.

Last but not least, WE ARE CHRISTIAN. We believe in God. We believe the Savior came to this earth and died for us. We believe he was resurrected and made it possible for us to all live again with our Heavenly Father. WE believe in Christlike behavior and service.

I hope that this was clear and helped others see that I am just a Christian. I am a person with faith in the Lord and a testimony of His divinity. I live a normal life that I strive to live in a Christlike manner.

I am proud to be Mormon.

Who's to blame?

2010-10-05T10:25:00.004-06:00

Hey Y'all this is Shannon;) Kelly's older sister. Kelly asked me to guest blog today and since I have no life right now other than In-vitro I figured I would fill her request;)

I am on day 4 today of my Lupron injections. Lupron is a injectable medication that will help suppress my ovaries, until the doctors decide they want stimulate my ovaries, so they can then extract the mature eggs. I know that probably sounds confusing but to be honest I am a little confused on how it all works too. But I am just doing what my docs tell me to do cuz they obviously know how to make babies better than me;) So here we are.

and that was a mouth full..........

I feel out of breath and I wasn't even talking.

ANyways!!!

So just gonna throw this out there. The injections and medications are the suck. They make me tired and give me some gnarly headaches. I am emotional to the umpteenth degree too. Oh and did I mention bloated as hell? ya. Bloated as hell.

Here's what all the meds involved in In-vitro look like.

Pretty nutso huh?

Anyways the other day I was being emotional and decided it was my job to remind everyone who gets to have kids naturally that they should really count their blessings..... Because doing it this way pretty much blows.
I got a lot of comments on my emotional status as I knew I would. They mostly were just of everyone trying to say whatever they knew to make me feel better. AND yes I got a bit of the cliche answers like "don't worry" and "It will happen in God's time" and such. That is ok because I know they are just trying to lift my spirits.
BUt one comment from a cute girl who does not share my same faith yet is a Christian says to me something like " Satan put this upon you and we will pray for a healing from God"
I am grateful for her faith on my behalf and for her prayers. She is a gem;)

BUT

It got me thinking. Who is to blame for my infirmity? Is It God? Is it Satan? Is it the world? I have to come to this conclusion for myself and what I believe.

..................I DON'T BLAME ANYONE................

I do not feel that God has inflicted me with infertility because he loves me and wants me to be happy in this world. He does not "zap" anyone with his almighty finger in vengeance. He is my Father and he loves me. I do not know him as a cruel and punishing God.

On the other hand I do not place blame on Satan either. I just don't think that lowly miserable jerk has the power to do anything to us other than try to bring us down spiritually. (and notice I said "try") Satan is beneath us. He has no power over us unless we give him that power. So he couldn't possibly be to blame.

Could it be that we are all just human and susceptible to disease and pain? Could it be that being human will automatically bring trials? Of course!!!
As humans I think it's easier if we can place blame for something. That then gives us an explanation as to WHY this particular thing has or is happening to us.
BUt I have found freedom in the knowledge that there is no one to blame.
Infertility is what it is. Another human condition that we have limited to no control over.
Once we realize that we cannot blame nor control all that will befall us in this world we can truly place our burdens and sorrows in the Saviors capable hands. He did not place this upon me, and he probably won't take it from me. BUT he can help me carry my load that is heavy and burdensome.

He wants us to take the anger, hurt, and blame out of our hearts so that he can carry us. So that he can mold us. So that our burden may be light.
Satan's only role in this is to try to keep my spirits down. He tries to keep us doubting. Well he can go pack sand for all I care. I will not let him attack my spirit. Infertility has already done that enough.

If you are struggling with Infertility or with any other trial or struggle for that matter, Put your weapons down. I promise the fight will be much easier when your defense is a peaceful, loving, and trusting heart.
Ask for help, let out your frustrations. And know that God might not heal your infirmity but he can heal your heart;)

No one is to blame.

essence of Charleston

2010-10-04T17:30:00.002-06:00

I have needed to send out some thank you cards. Our family and friends were so helpful when we were moving and we are extremely grateful. I am excited cause I ordered the cutest thank you cards. My awesome sister took the photo. I wanted it to capture the essence of Charleston so everyone would want to come visit us :o)

I thought I would tell all of you thank you as well. We are happier and more blessed than we ever have been.

I am thankful.

Saving the tatas!

2010-09-30T09:52:00.000-06:00

I am an avaid supporteer of breast cancer awareness. October starts tomorrow and so does breast cancer awareness month. i have decided to do a few giveaways throughout the month to raise awareness, plus tata merchanidise is histarical and it the procedes go to cancer awareness. You can't beat that!!
The first awesome giveaway is......

Yep! Boob Lube!! It is lotion to check your boobs for lumps and any abnormalities. It also has a calander on the back for your reference on how ofter you need to be checking your tatas.

Every month you should check your boobies. I asked my doctor once about the propper way to check you boobies. She showed me what I need to be doing and an example of what a lump feels like. When your check your tatas, you should press down enough that it almost hurts. None of this surface rub crap. Also be aware that many times you significat other will find more than you can. Ask for thier help if you need to. Don't be ashamed!!!

So, for this Boob Lube giveaway, here is what you need to do to win...

1) Follow me on twitter and retweet one of my boob awareness tweets.

2) Like my blog on facebook
3) Update your facebook status to talk about boob lube and this giveaway
4) Follow my blog
5) blog about awareness and this giveaway
6) Link this giveaway on your blog for at least 2 days
7) Donate to savethetatas.com

Please make one comment per entry. Giveaway ends on October 5th at 10 PM EST.

ps.....loook at the awesome bar at the bottom of the page. it makes it easy for you to do most of the things to enter all at once. Also use the twitter bird and facebook button on the sidebar.

Good luck all! and don't forget to touch them boobies!!

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the choices we make

2010-09-29T09:00:00.001-06:00

I have been really thinking about this topic lately. I have come to understand the power of choices while going through infertility. I had a conversation with this chick's hubby. And then I read this blog post.

I wish that everyone out there would understand the power of the choices they make. I do believe that the Lord has a huge part in our lives. But mostl,y I believe that God loved us so much and trusted us enough to give us the agency we enjoy. Thus the whole not let Satan tell us what to do and take all the glory for himself. God wants us to have glory as well, that is why we get to chose.

I have heard so many women say to me, "My husband and I are not going to use any type of birth control. We are going to leave it up to God." wow...really. I wish I could leave it up to God. I have learned that God will not always provide. Not because He doesn't love me, but he has GIVEN ME CHOICES. He is also not going to come down and break the rules for me. Am I any less worthy of a baby than the chick who gets pregnant the second she looks at her husband with any kind of lust.... Hell to the no!

The fact of the matter is Mrs. ipopoutbabiesbecauseiwontberesponsibleandusebirthcontrol, you CHOSE to get pregnant by not using protection!! Just like God won't break the rules for me, HE ALSO WON'T BREAK THEM FOR YOU. If you are not infertile, IF YOU HAVE SEX, YOU WILL GET PREGNANT! It is not rocket science, it is nature. The Lord is bound by the rules He has set, if He didn't, He would cease to be God. Which means Mrs. Duggar, you do it, you get prego. That was all your choice not the Lord coming down and handing a baby to you like the MF stork.

Don't get me wrong, I believe in miracles. I believe that the Lord could cure my infertility this second. But he is not going to. Why? because that is not the point. The point of the whole, ya know, counsel in heaven where God told Satan to jump off a cliff, was for us to CHOOSE a righteous life. To RESPONSIBLY bring spirits into this world while providing a covenant bound family and a COMFORTABLE HOME where the child could grow and develop and become a righteous son or daughter of God. He didn't say, "Go ahead, just have babies over and over in your basement apartment, with your 20K worth of debt, and your not even established marriage, where you have only known each other for a month." But I he might have said that and I just don't remember

He wants us to choose better for our children. He wants us to chose better for us. Most of all he wants us to be accountable for our glory. I personally take it more seriously than to so casually say that the power to bring a life into this world is not about a choice. Just as removing a life from this world is a choice, so is bringing one into it. It is an unmeasurable power that is so often taken for granted. Imagine having it ripped from you. The pwer to create life. How would that feel? I dunno...ask someone infertile about their choice.

Infertility = no choice

so word to the wise....numero uno...if you are infertile, study and understand the power that lies within you to make a great difference in this world by being refined by having your choice to have a family taken from you.
Numero dos......If you have the ability to create life and don't understand the power of your choice in the matter STUDY IT! Numero tres....If you are fertile and understand the power of your choices, take pride in your ablility and awesomeness and love and help others who aren't as blessed as you.

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One of my forms of inspiration

2010-09-28T19:00:00.000-06:00

My sister. Shannon.

She wrote the most amazing post yesterday and I really had to think long and hard about if i take my wonderful husband for granted. it was a great reminder.

On top of the self help inspiration, she is also my creative inspiration. She included one of her brilliant pictures in her post. Every time I see her photography, I want to design, I see it in home decoration, or I want to use it to make some kind of craft. She is absolutely talented and she just keeps getting better.

Her and I thought of the cutest idea, well she mostly thought it up. There is a beautiful cobblestone road with colonial homes on it in downtown Charleston. We are going to go there and have will and I standing in a embrace with Harley at our feet with a sing in his mouth saying, "We Moved" we are going to send it post card style to our friends and family. Oh man, am I excited about that one!!

She really has ultimately inspired me to change my degree. (well Matt and Jenna's amazingness did as well) I am great with kids, but I honestly feel so restricted by it. There is this part of my personality that is a rebel, I don't know if I can be an amazing role model for kids 100% of the time. I like my tattoo and my freedom to go against the rules a little too much. I also just think that I am great at many things. Design in any form is one of them. I am going to change my major to graphic design. Now I just have to learn how to draw a bit better so I can freehand :o)

Learn how to drive!

2010-09-28T08:34:00.000-06:00

I have liked most things about Charleston. Number one, it is not Utah, which rocks. I went my entire first day at work with not a soul asking me if "I am a member" it was a nice breath of fresh air. Although the next day one of the girls put two and two together about the Utah thing and the not drinking coffee and not smoking thing. Smart chick! love it.
One thing that I know for sure I don't like, are the drivers! people are like, "They can't be worse than Utah drivers." I am here to proclaim, THEY ARE WORSE! If you miss an exit, you can't just hurry and pull of into wildlife to get to it. If there is no space to switch lanes, don't do it. It is annoying to sit in someones blind spot for hours. and last but not least, stopping and starting does not have to be 0 to 60 in 5 seconds just to have to stop again.

So, the other day, we were all making fun of how they pull over in a rain storm. They seriously won't drive in it. I kinda laughed at this cause I have driven in snow storms in a Toyota Echo mind you, and I didn't have to pull off the road.

Yesterday before I left for work I watched the news to see what the rain was doing and sure enough it was pouring. I get ready and decide to go to my car without a jacket cause it is still not cold, even when it rains. I got drenched just running to my car. wow! I start driving in and I finally realise why they pull over. At times I could barely see, there was inches upon inches of standing water everywhere. I have to remember that we are not on a mountain where it just runs off. We are at sea level where it just sits. Fun! I get it now, I get it now. I will just go ahead and eat that critisizm with some ranch. yum...tasty.

outstanding!

2010-09-26T20:21:00.000-06:00

The thing I am baffled by is how one person's aggressive, manipulative, angry, terrible, gossiping mouth can influence people I have been nothing but kind toward to think I somehow have wronged them. It is beyond me.

The thing I more baffled by is why I friggen care.

Just so ya know....I like to keep it real and throw in a bit of my drama every now and again ;o)

get with it ya'll

2010-09-24T17:03:00.000-06:00

Look at my ya'll! i get more southern every day :o) So i think you all need to love the music i love! i decided it, you have no choice....no really ...no choice. You love it. Come on....say you love it. Ok you don't have to but I am going to share it anyway ;o)

This song makes me feel young lately...

Oh and this is my favorite band EVER!!!!

You can get sick of them but I never could!!

This bad A figgin song is just proof that the awesomeness of my husband is wearing off on me..

Now you have witnessed greatness.

Stupid worthless tubes

2010-09-23T10:14:00.000-06:00

I am not sure I have talked about this yet. I really can't remember much that I have or have not said with all the craziness of moving 2000 miles away.

My sister is doing in-vitro!!

After 4 miscarriages and of them ectopic, they have decided to bypass those silly tubes and go for in-vitro.
nnumber 1.....I am excited for her because I know this will get her a beautiful chocolate milk baby.
number 2........I am here so I get to be here with her though the process. I get to learn about it and share how in-vitro works with all of you! Yeah!

Shannon goes to South Eastern Infertility. It is one of the top infertility clinics in the nation. They are friendly and loving and most of all they are the best at helping people get babies!

Shannon has already had her initial consultation. Shannon and Tim were so nice to let me go with them to learn the process and what it is going to take from them. Let me explain it..... for those of you who don't know.

the basic version goes like this.
stimulation of the ovary -- harvest eggs --- get spermy --- fertilize egg under microscope --- let it grow and divide --- transfer fertilized egg into uterus

I will explain it in detail as the steps progress. It is so interesting!!

out crazy

2010-09-21T16:37:00.000-06:00

usually people are out sick. I have just been out crazy.

I am finally back from Utah again. packed up my house. stuffed as much as I could in my Jeep. grabbed my dog. Drove back with my brother and sister.

It was long and crazy and I got hit on by a lesbian but that story is for another day.

I have been interviewing like crazy 2 second interviews and I am really really hoping for the job at the salon in Mt Pleasant.

Well ya know, now I am back and ready to write! You better hold on to your biscuits.

Oh Ya, Hi!

2010-09-16T20:36:00.000-06:00

Well hello blog....i am alive just crazy busy. i want to tell you all about some cool things I have come across these last few days but I need the time to tell them to you.

i am starting my driving across the country again tomorrow so more after that ....mmmmmkkkkkkk

Until then just know that I have so much to say that you will get sick of my ramblings after multiple posts a day. Until then, enjoy your time off from reading my fabulousness ;o)

Giving what I am

Worthy of a blog post

I admit it!

Print Away!

plan it! It's easier!

A personal thanksgiving

Healthy Thanksgiving

Printable for thanks!

You might have a Facebook problem if...

Make your own headboard

Meals! ready to go!

Evidence of His love

Wonderful wednesday

Prepping wood pallets

I did the work for you

Freebie Friday

Take it for What it's worth Thursday

Wonderful Wednesday

Tutorial Tuesday

Meal planning Monday

The new face of blog

The grass is the same color on the other side! It's all Green!

I am a wussy pants

Beauty

Home

Well Holy Smoley 100 more

100 more

Do you double dog dare me?

A whole new me!!

Okay Okay!

Baby Update

LOVE

PRAYERS PLEASE!

Taking a Break

If I only had today

I wish I didn't have a fat face

They grow to fast

Have you ever had??

Fabric

Just for us infertiles

Best find in a long time

Dear Facebook Friends

whoa chick-a-dee!

A word of advice...

hashtag lets talk infertility?

I really don't look like that

please excuse the dust

Holi

"I know! I've seen Big Love!"

Why not spoil it?

to stache or not to stache, that is the question

I shall spit on you!

It rains!!

One foot in and one foot out

Heart

admittance

One of my biggest struggles

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us"~ Joseph Campbell

I came across this quote yesterday as I was searching online. I feel like it was meant for me. I have struggled with this problem my whole life. You know, the letting go of my plans part.

I am working on this life, the one I am actually living. Not the fantacy, the reality. I feel more blessed. Grateful for taking risks that will change my life and help me grow into the person I want to be.

On a happier note....

It makes me sick

Happy Birthday To Me!

A couple of emotional insights

Belated....The Barrel

Getting some nook-e

Hi! I am alive....barely

finally seeing the light

i won't miss it

Starbucks language

Where have I been?

I love black....

An experience like no other.

One of those times

slump

Excited to say.....

Intorducing......

The Ups and Downs of having a blog

Infertility Depression

My Adoption Post

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us"
~ Joseph Campbell